smile.

we don't need science to tell us that when we smile we're happy. being a person will tell us that. so why don't i do it more often? one could argue that it's because i'm not happy. well. don't i want to be happy?

fake it till you make it.

how true is that. really. i think that if we would fake it for a little longer than we usually do, it will work. if we just keep smiling. even though it seems like the hardest thing we'll ever do - nearly impossible.

my bro is a perfect example of a fake smiler. 

turns out. so am i. 

remember when i wanted to be the american i want to see in norway? well, smiling is a part of this. i have made an effort the last few weeks to smile more.

it's fake at first. i have nothing to smile about, i think. but. then i remember that a smile can mean so much to someone, because it has literally turned my day around multiple times. so, i figure, what if my fake smile can make someone's day. so i do it. i make it a point to do it to everyone i pass, and everyone i see, and everyone i talk to. and, what do you know, before i know it, the smile is real. super real. and i almost want to laugh. laugh at the poor norwegian who just experienced a smiling twenty-something whizzing past them on her bike.

was she smiling at me?
i sure was!

and, pronto. my day is better. and, slowly, but surely, my life is better.

so, let's smile more. pay it forward. [which, side note, a little boy died trying to teach us.]

oh. just smiling w some of my favorite people.

and because this didn't make it in the collage i'll put it here. also. it shows how smiling and love go together. : )

welcome to my brain.

i hereby invite you to my mind.
to take part of its workings.
and benefit from its wisdom.

in the near or far future, with regular or irregular intervals [read: whenever i feel like it] i will elaborate on one of the stickies from my 'door of infinite wisdom'.

to this door i stick words/phrases/cheers that i desire to live by. one could call them mottos. whether or not i  follow each to perfection is not relevant. what matters is that i want to.

so. grab a notebook. (or sticky pad) or don't.
i will share my thoughts and experiences regardless.

beautiful people exist.

i was perusing this photography blog, and came across this post. 

and my heart skipped a tiny beat. because really attractive men people evoke this reaction in me. 

source

source

i mean. look at him. what a gorgeous human specimen. and he's real. he's a real, live person who exists on this earth. 

my mind is blown. 

grad school. aah.

help. i'm awaiting either rejection or acceptance from the following grads schools - ranked by most-want-to-go-there to least-want-to-go-there:

american university (dc)
university of north carolina wilmington
north carolina state university (raleigh)
university of massachusetts boston

the wait is excruciating. and i live in constant fear of being stuck in norway for 6 more months (or longer).

it's time, people. time for me to grow up, and continue with my life. it's been a nice (and extremely challenging) little break living here in norway for the past 1.5 year. but it's time.

so one of these places could be my home for the next (at least) two years:

source • source • source • source • source

source • source • source • source

source • source • source • source • source

source • source • source • source

and now that i've found these picture, i want to live in all these places. so i guess i'll be happy wherever i get in.

wish me luck.

repeat.

sometimes i buy songs. and then obsess over them. clocking 100+ listens in 2 days. it's great. these are my latest obsessions. for your listening pleasure.

and this one. which i could not find on grooveshark.

and i just realized they're all by women. rare for me. but seriously so beautiful. right??

dreams 2.0.

i love dreams. night dreams, day dreams, life dreams/future dreams. dreams bring hope, and sometimes that's all you live on - the hope.

i usually (basically every night) have vivid dreams, that are very intricate and elaborate. and non-sensical. and i usually remember them fairly well. this makes sleeping fun. and today i slept in. a lot.

i dreamt that i was on a large group date - it's like it kept growing, from like 6 couples to 30. anywho, my date was this really attractive guy, not unlike this actor from dollhouse, which i've been watching nonstop lately. at first, he didn't seem very interested in me. i had to make all the effort, and go over to him, while he was talking to another couple. but he was nice, and polite - just didn't initiate any conversation. fast forward to the pool-part of the date. idk. all of a sudden there was a huge line outside this pool, and that's where we all were supposed to be for the next little while. i tried to get my date to go with me, but he lingered, talking to someone else. and then, after i had removed my shorts and shirt, and was left standing in my bathing suit - a one-piece, mind you, giving plenty coverage, maroon, in fact - he all of a sudden showed interest. for, in my dream, i had a rockin bod. but he wasn't creepy. just really romantic and sweet. we were just sitting by the pool, real close, talking. and then i started to notice a bunch of paparazzi, equipped with heavy duty cameras etc. they were all over, taking pictures of the myriads of couples in the pool. then i saw the videocameras as well. and as my date and i were talking about kissing, or how we wanted to kiss each other, he kissed me. not a long kiss, but a private one. like a secret kiss. in a good way. he told me that he didn't want to kiss me when the cameras were watching, because he had been a contestant on survivor that summer, and didn't want any more attention from the media. although all signs pointed to us being a part of a weird dating show. so he had snuck a kiss in as they were not looking. and he told me we'd kiss more later, when we were alone. [can you blame me for sleeping in??] well, it never got to that point, because all of a sudden i was in a wheel chair, taking the train back and forth between two places. and when the train one day didn't go further than a certain stop, i had to find a bus to take me all the way, and i had to haul all of my stuff (the reason i had taken the train was because i had so much stuff, and didn't have to carry it myself) on my wheel chair, and try to find a bus stop in the middle of nowhere. and now, that i am typing this, i remember that i was on a large (like huuuuge) cruise ship. but i think that was before the date, and it's where the date took place. and, somehow, all of this was connected. i think i was on my way to the guy when i was on the train. or something. i was definitely thinking about him.

that's it. fun read, right? fun for me anyway.

my point is this: sometimes your dreams are better than your actual life, and all you want to do is sleep, and dream, and pretend that you are living your dreams. right now i'm trying really hard to force myself out of my dreams, into my real life, in order to do something that will actually make my dreams come true. but, boy, all i want to do is sleep in. all the time.

living on the hope of your dreams can be motivating and constructive, but it can also be destructive if taken too far.

i wrote this once: i don't have a present to live in. the times i live in are the past and the future. i swim in glorious memories of times past till my skin is wrinkled, and then i wrap myself in the towel of the future - so warm, cozy; full of love, joy, and life; with promises of dreams and longings fulfilled.

i think it's important to live in the present. not just pretend to live there. and that's what i'm working on.

but sometimes i'm allowed to sleep in so that i can go on a 30-couple group date, right?

i'll be that girl.

i'm very ok with being that ugly girl who you are surprised landed such a handsome husband. as long as it will get me a handsome husband.




and yes. i know this is the only thing i blog about. but that's cause it's basically the only thing i think about. which is exactly why i haven't landed myself any husband. i welcome suggestions for other things to obsess over.

lately.

as in like the last 36 hours. ok. a little longer. yes. this is one of those posts. that i never said i would never do. but still. never imagined i would do. at this point in my life. really because my life is the worst. truly. the worst it has ever been. [drama queen much?] but. i figured that maybe if i list some things that has happened lately, i would appreciate my life instead of loathing it.

•hung out w brother and sister-in-law. and ate delicious food. (they're both chefs)
•played with two beautiful dalmatians. one of them being my 'nephew', gordon.
•went to a bday party for my 30-year old filipino male friend. wow. that surely sounded  
  extremely weird.
•saw some old friends. reminisced (a favorite past-time of mine).
•saw a male filipino butt. not my friend's.
•touched my best friend's 4 month pregnant belly. (she is the aforementioned
  birthdayman's sister).
•had a nice long chat with another old friend. like an adult conversation. (no. not about sex)
  we've never done that before. it was refreshing.
•watched about a million episodes of the office. second time around. love it. too much.
•substitute taught for the first time since june.
•had about 25 7th graders chanting my name in the hallway. it was bizarrely satisfying.
•entertained several relief society sisters with a skit about visiting teaching. not a tough
  crowd to please.
•cried myself to sleep over lack of any romance in my life. for the 1400th time this year.
•asked a man out on a date. yes. a real, live man. but not in real life. it's complicated. maybe
  i'll share the story if it turns out to be a semi-success. [high hopes much?]
•watched slumdog millionaire. again. what.a.life-changing.movie. seriously.
•went for a 1 hr & 40 min walk in the freezing, windy, and snowy march weather.
•saw two deer jump and run into and across the road right.in.front.of.me. had i been
  jogging/running i could have been killed. but since i wasn't it was an awesome experience.
•realized that i'll be ok. someday. in the future. maybe.

about love.

there is this song. that perfectly describes my feelings about love. i have mentioned india.arie before. and she puts it just right in 'ready for love':

i am ready for love

why are you hiding from me

i'd quickly give my freedom

to be held in your captivity

i am ready for love

all of the joy and the pain

and all the time that it takes

just to stay in your good grace

lately i've been thinking

maybe you're not ready for me

may you think i need to learn maturity

they say watch what you ask for

cause you might receive

but if you ask me tomorrow

i'll say the same thing

i am ready for love

would you please lend me your ear

i promise i won't complain

i just need you to acknowledge i am here

if you give me half a chance

i'll prove this to you

i will be patient, kind, faithful, and true

to a man who loves music

a man who loves art

respects the spirit world

and thinks with his heart

i am ready for love

if you'll take me in your hands

i will learn what you teach

and do the best that i can

i am ready for love

here with an offering of

my voice

my eyes

my soul

my mind

tell me what is enough

to prove i am ready for love

i am ready

and i am. always have been, really. but now, truly ready. i experienced a tiny breaking of my heart earlier this evening. my soul hurt. from loneliness and longing.

lately i have been craving companionship. of any kind, really. but mostly the romantic kind. the forever kind. i dream of someone to cry with. someone who will laugh at my awesome moves when i dancercise. someone to cook for. someone to go grocery shopping with. someone who wants to hear my stories from when i was an exchange student. someone who will look at me from across the room and be proud to be mine.

i yearn for a pair of strong man-hands to grab my waist; someone to pull me close, and kiss me tenderly. just because he loves me so.

i long for a partner. someone to share with. someone to learn from. to teach. someone to grow with. someone to love.

i can't decide if i want to be loved, or to love, the most. maybe it's equal. or maybe i want one more than the other some days.

this desire can't be quenched. nor should it. i have concluded that the deep-seeded need to share of your whole self with someone - intimately - is god-given. and it's real. we're not meant to be alone. [genesis 2:18]

i am not meant to be alone.

i am ready for love. why are you hiding from me?

the grandest question of life.

all i want is a great-looking husband to make babies with. is that really too much to ask?

is it?

iiiiiis it?

++

'wretch!' i said. 'it is well that you come here to whine over the desolation that you have made. you throw a torch into a pile of buildings, and when they are consumed, you sit among the ruins and lament the fall. hypocritical fiend! 

from mary shelley's frankenstein. 

be the change.

it is most definitely not a secret that i hate norway. [please don't focus too much on the word 'hate'. i use it like i would with meg ryan and kylie minogue's can't get you out of my head.] but i do not feel like i belong here in norway, and i surely cannot connect with norwegians.

lately i have felt this disconnect extra strongly, and it has put me in a somber mood. and i've felt a little hopeless. so there's that.

on with the point.

we all know the famous quote by the great gandhi - be the change you want to see in the world.

well, i had a personal epiphany the other day. these words just came into my mind, very clearly:

be the american you want to see in norway. 

so. that's what i'm trying to do. if i don't feel like myself (like the american i am), i better start acting like one. so that day i loudly said goodbye to the bus driver as i walked off the bus. and have been trying to do so ever since. and i smiled at strangers. my next challenge: compliment strangers.

i shall keep you updated on this american in norway formerly known as lene.

decisions.

my two best decisions of this week:

1. buying oranges. they were especially juicy and sweet, and it's been a delight to eat them. 
2. writing to-do lists, and planning my days thoroughly. when i write down that 'i will do this and that in this order as soon as i get home', instead of just thinking it in my head, i actually do it. and only (mostly) it. i don't check facebook first, or watch an episode of the office. this might not be a revolutionary thought to most of you, and it really isn't one to me either, but, for some reason, it hit home this week, as i actually tried it out, and noticed that i got up early, and i did go running. and i emailed those people, and i payed that bill. there's still a lot i feel like i am behind on, but let's all hope i get there, and continue on this to-do list path. 

source.

ze future.

my future has never been this unclear.

in my entire life.

and that's scary. 

where will i be in a year from now? i don't know. i don't even know where i'll be in 6 months.

this is something i wrote sometime last fall. i feel better about the future now, but the statements above still holds true. 

dreams.

i have a dream. to become this perfect [in my head] woman. in various areas of life. and i have made countless efforts to make this dream come true. and i have failed every time.

this would get a person down, right? right. but. then i read a talk by elder jeffrey r. holland, and in it this beautiful sentence jumped out and burrowed itself in my heart.

there is no dream that in the unfolding of time and eternity cannot yet be realized. 

no dream. that cannot yet be realized.

lately i have been pondering these dreams/goals/hopes of mine, and it hit me. i always keep trying to make this dream woman come to life. and i will probably never quit trying. and that's the point of life, isn't it? to keep trying.

i do believe that i can achieve my dreams. someday. and that's ok. i can wait. in the meantime i will keep trying.

++

i want to be a slow-burn-sort-of-beautiful. a second-glance-kind-of-pretty. i want the kind of beauty that unravels with time and a little patience.

meg fee

my favorite kind of song.

my favorite kind of song is the one which gets me in the mood when in need of a good cry, and that i can fall in love with on a happy day. this is that kind of song.

[others include, but are not in the least limited to: never think - rob pattinson, shelter - ray lamontagne, & stay with me - bernhoft.]

it's been on repeat since i discovered it last night. then i cried and cried because i felt so very lonely and wanted a man so intensely. [i have a tear-stained journal entry to prove it.] today it makes me happy, and i just love it so.

seriously, just take a moment to enjoy the talent of this man. he is part of an elite group of men i would want to sing me to sleep every night.

you're welcome.

birthday philosophy.

my blog topic reminder list is coming along great. during an insomnia attack the other night i read all of my numerous (not really) posts, and wrote down everything i have previously said i would write about. so, despite my life being fairly uneventful, i still have things to share.

numero uno is my birthday philosophy. it's quite simple: as soon as the new year hits i am that year's age. for instance, during all of 2012 i was either 'turning 26' or '26'. and now, if people ask me how old i am, i say: "i turn 27 this summer." and i identify with 27 now, and not 26.

i discussed this philosophy with my old room mate, sarie, one time, and she operates under the exact same philosophy. it might be more relevant for her, since her birthday is at the beginning of april, and mine is towards the end of june. but. it's how i've always worked.

i realize this will not work for people born in the fall, or at the end of the year; and i am probably right at the cut-off point (mid-year). it might not work for people born in march either. they might cling to their age until the minute before it changes, and that's their business.

but there you have it. my birthday philosophy.




[i realize i might have issues w age, but that's for another post. one more thing added to the blog topic reminder list.]

confession no. 4

all the time sometimes i think every male is attracted to me. whatever i do, and wherever i am i pretend that each man who looks at me is thinking: dang. she's attractive. or beautiful, or sexy, or cute, or amazingly good-looking. when i meet a man's gaze, i am convinced that he is purposefully looking at me, because he can't not. as in, he can't take his eyes off of me. (that sounds better.) so that would make it not purposefully? not the point. point is: i'm hot. i know it. and i know that all the menfolk know it.

point made. 

how i roll.

this is what i do. for all those interested:

-work: almost every day. at a grocery store. that i usually love, but have been a little tired of the last couple of weeks. i'm sure it'll pass.

-watch tv: here it comes. a deep, dark secret i've been hiding. hell0. my name is lene. and i am a tv-holic. last fall i was introduced to a website that has given me both joy and grief. it is a website that streams tv-shows, and i have been spending way too much time catching up on the following tv-shows since then:

• how i met your mother
• the big bang theory
• the walking dead
• new girl
• modern family
• bones
• glee
• the office
• 30 rock
• parks and recreation

yes. that is a list of ten shows. and i will not reveal how many seasons i was behind on some of them. at this time, i am not quite caught up on four of the shows, but am so far into this thing that i need to finish. it's addicting. it's consuming. and i am aware of this. but i cannot stop. it is as bad as it sounds. i have even made a chart where i keep track of which season's i've watched and what shows i am caught up on. it's bad, ya'll.

-knit: i have knitted 1 adult sock, 1 pair of children's socks, many uneven squares for a blanket, and 2 halves of two different scarves. my goal is a sweater. and of course the other sock. and a hat, some mittens, and headband. i love knitting. and am quite ok at it. bad thing is, i buy yarn faster than i can finish any projects. i should probably watch less tv or something.

-read: fearing i might have adhd, i will tell you that i am currently reading 6 different books. they are featured at the very top left of this here blog. and i am wondering if i will ever finish any of them. when did i become this unfinisher? point is, i love reading. and i love that i currently have the freedom to read whatever i want. oh, and i also have a goal for 2013: to read the entire Bible. currently in genesis 31. so that's happening.

-young women: of which i lead. or try to. for any non-mormons reading this: i am the leader of the group of young girls between the ages of 12-18 at my local mormon church. there is a lot to plan and organize, but i am having so much fun with it, and the girls are wonderful. and, best of all, i am learning a million things. all the time. which, in turn, makes me feel alive. and happy.

-work out: i shouldn't even be writing this here, because it is something that i just recently resumed doing, after a too-many-weeks-long hiatus. but. i have been running outside in the arctic cold. and am quite proud of myself. it seems that the holiday food decided to show itself on my body several weeks after it was consumed. so. i'm currently very motivated and unmotivated at the same time. anywho. one of my other resolutions is to work out in some way or the other every day. so 10 sit-ups before bed counts if i didn't have time to do anything else during the day.

and that. is how i roll. (right now, this is a literal statement.)

jealous joy.

the feeling of reading your friends' blogs, and being so excited about their lives/adventures/accomplishments/happiness because you love them so much, but kicking that feeling's behind is the jealousy of their lives/adventures/accomplishments/happiness is all happening inside of my body right now. and i want to cry a little.

because here is the truth: i am embarrassed of my life. and i kinda just realized it. 

and i always write these have-pity-on-me posts, so i vow to not make this one of them. please don't feel sorry for me. 

but i think that i avoid blogging, and talking about my life with people because, quite frankly, i am ashamed. dramatic, but true. i never ever ever thought that i would be one of those people that i currently am. 

i take the bus to work, and sometimes (at certain hours of the day) it is filled with high schoolers going to school. and i look at them and think: oh, you are so young. and insecure. i am so much older, and have so much more life experience. 

because people usually think i'm younger than i am, i think that if these youths only knew i was almost 27, they would look up to me and think i'm cool. (logically.) but my wise brain, who pops in now and again, said: no, lene. they would not think you are cool. because you are 27 years old (have i written about my birthday philosophy before? i think not. it will come. in fact, i am creating a blog topic reminder list right now, so i'll remember to write about it.), and taking the bus to your job at the grocery store. i doubt that is what they want to be doing at 27. oh, and remember how you live at home? 

touchè, wise brain. touchè. 

sigh. 

moving on. 

i moved to norway dead set on finding myself. again. i've done this dance before, but somehow thought it would be different this time. and actually, it has been. but i'm not done. and i don't think i'll ever be done. there are so many things i want to be. too many, maybe. but when are we ever done learning? when am i ever done growing? never. so i feel better about my life after that conclusion. i am just growing in other areas than i thought i would be. like trying to be happy despite miserable circumstances. it's been a tough one, but i am finally sensing a breakthrough. 

oh boy, this is a long post. feel free to take a bathroom break. or turn off your computer. i'm just gonna keep on writing. 

last night i had an unexplainable dream. i know because i tried to explain it to my stepmother, and couldn't. that's how i feel a lot of the time. like i can't explain myself very well. which leads to these scattered posts that i don't know where i'm going with. 

well, what i want is hope, and that's where this post should go. to hope. hope in the future. 

ladies, and gentlemen. for the first time, i am ready to reveal my plans for the future. and i pray that saying them out loud (in writing) will not make them go 'poof'. 

if all falls into place, i will be working and living in norway through june. then spend july volunteering in africa with my friend, carrie. august in utah, packing up my storage and moving to whatever grad school will accept me. 

another sigh.

there's a little devil on my shoulder that looks like me, telling me these things could never happen. and the angel on the other is MIA. but, here's to hope.

there is one more thing (that i can, at this very moment, think of) i want to write about before i forget. i recently shared this analogy in church, and found it so profound that i thought i'd share it with the world (oh, the angel is back.)

the fall of 2010 marked the time where i entered the longest and darkest tunnel of my life. when you are going through a dark tunnel, you cannot see anything or anyone. you can only focus on yourself moving forward, through the tunnel, towards the light you so desperately want to believe is at the end. well, my good folks. i am out of the tunnel. i think maybe it happened around christmas time. (it's a christmas miracle!) and being out of the tunnel, i now have the magic ability to turn on the lights in the tunnel. this enables me to see not only everything that has happened since fall of '10 in the light, but also all the other people walking in the dark tunnel.  now that i am surrounded by light, i can focus on them too - not just me. end of tunnel analogy. here's to hope.

this needs to be the end of post also. i have more to say, but it will fit in other posts. some of which i will write right after i post this post.

thanks for making it to the end, dear friends. or myself, as i re-read this post however long (or short) from now. remember how i wanted to cry at the beginning of this post? well, now i'm smiling.

look. i did it. 

2012 recap.

2012 was the year i...

• lived in norway. with my father. for the first time since i was four. and it was both harder and better than i expected.
• worked as a substitute teacher for norwegian brats. who i kinda grew to love.
• fulfilled a childhood dream to work as a cashier at a grocery store.
• was a seminary teacher for the last part of the old testament and the first part of the new testament. (one of my goals for 2013 is to read the whole bible.)
• crushed on much younger boys, and much older men. clearly i am doomed. 
• slowly but surely lost some weight. through a (mostly) regular exercise routine (except during 1 small gap and 1 larger gap), and my dad's bachelor diet of sandwiches and hot dogs, added by lots of candy - almost every day.
• probably developed diabetes. 
• started knitting.
• won two tickets to a concert. that never happens to me.
• went to the concert. performing were 3 contestants on 'the voice - norway', including 1 finalist. that's pretty big. (obviously not justin bieber big. but still. free tickets.)
• turned 26. officially over the hill.
• went on a 3-week vacation to my home country of america. (as proof that i am truly american, i just said that there is a country called america.)
• drove from las vegas to salt lake city through the darkest of night, after 24 hrs+ of traveling. 
• attended (however briefly) 5 wedding receptions in 3 weeks. 2 on the same day.
• went to new york city for the first time.
• walked 114 nyc blocks in thin sandals.
• got my first tooth filling. and my second, third, and fourth.
• went to the dentist for the first time in 6+ years.
• spent $2000+ at the dentist.
• got new glasses that are somehow both less and more nerdy than my previous pair.
• biked. a lot.
• was in a bike/car incident that led to being reported to the police by a crazy woman. to which the police told her they had better things to do.
• went to london for the first real time. 
• watched the midnight premiere of breaking dawn pt. 2 in london w my mother, and looooooved it (with 6 o's).
• got called as the young women's president. yikes.
• finally baked christmas goodies (7 kinds, baby).
• celebrated a lovely christmas w my father. the best in years. 
• was the one opening the most presents in the family. that never happens. 
• spent my 2nd new years eve at a single adult dance w my mother. and i have yet to turn 27. (see #5 regards crushing on older men.)
• read 29 books. and started 6 more. (that i am still working on.)
• had as close to nil as one can get in terms of a social life.
• did not get married. or even meet a potential eternal companion. 
• learned many much-needed lessons, of which i have yet to discover most of.
• was where i needed to be. for now.