june 23rd.

is my birthday.

midsummer in norway. the longest day of the year.

i love my birthday. so much. 

today (well, technically yesterday as of 2.5 hours ago) i turned 26.

i know that lately i've been barking about being single and desperately wanting a husband (if you've read between the not-so-subtle lines, you've gotten this message). but leave a girl my age with basically none but her thoughts to keep her company for 6 months and this is what you get. 

anyway, this is a happy post. 

there is an ancient (well, old) midsummer tradition that i have always wanted to uphold, and i decided that this year it was about time i did it. 

a young (hah) maiden would put seven different kinds of wildflowers under her pillow and sleep with them there on midsummer's night, and then she would dream about her husband. 

so. tonight it's my turn. 

sweet dreams. hopefully.

a little girl.

i am a little girl. 

in many ways. 

and it makes me uncomfortable.

it's a bubble i want to burst. 

i am a little girl amongst my friends and family, amongst americans, and amongst my co-workers. 

i guess i tend to give myself a label, and convince myself that i am/know less than i am/do, or am capable of. i don't give myself much credit. 

and that's where i got lost. when i started to view myself as inferior. how did i get here? gradually. but that's not the point. the point is i am coming back. and the first step is to realize that i am not

a little girl.

in many ways.

let me explain:

friends - 

in my youth, i was the youngest in my group of close friends. but we didn't notice. in college, i was usually the oldest in my group. and felt that way in terms of experiences and wisdom (man, i'm really into my wisdom lately. or maybe i've just become more enlightened and realized truth). but not so much anymore. i feel like they have surpassed me. the cause of this, i have gathered, is mostly because they're all freakin married. and if not married, have had some experiences that have just made them grow - like study abroad, living on their own, having a real, grown-up job. and the married ones have children too. that stuff ages you, man. yet, i have none of this. it feels like. so, when i think about my friends now, i feel like

a little girl.

family - 

my little brother is married. yup. he's younger than me, but he's married. and lived with his wife for 2+ years before they got married. and have been working, renting apartments, paying bills, raising a dog, providing, and being a grown-up for, what seems like years. (now, i might be giving him a little too much credit, because he makes mistakes, is, at times, irresponsible, and have some immature qualities too, but just go with it.) so, compared to him i feel like 

a little girl.

i didn't grow up with my dad, but am living with him now. in the basement. without a car. or the freedom to make whatever i want for dinner. (basically true) or freedom to be a grown-up. he hasn't seen that i have become an adult, having lived on my own (well, with room mates), and taken care of myself for the past 5 years. he treats me as...not an adult. so, naturally, i feel like 

a little girl.

my mother is the only one (in my immediate family) that doesn't make me feel like

a little girl.

americans - 

because most of my current, close friends are american, they also go under this category. because english isn't my native tongue, i often ask what words or expressions mean, and this makes me feel inferior. i'm not saying this is bad, because i believe in always learning new things, and i love learning. plus, i really appreciate learning from my friends. it's just that i feel like they (americans) know more than i do, in general. [ok, pause. obviously i recognize that there are plenty of dumb americans that i surpass by lightyears when it comes to wisdom and intelligence. i'm mostly referring to friends, and people similar to me that i encounter.] and i think because i have such a longing to truly belong to america, i look up to americans, making me 

a little girl. 

co-workers - 

the reason i started thinking about this a while ago was that i found out that most of my co-workers (at the grocery store, not the school (obviously)) are younger than i thought, and a lot younger than i. and, what's worse, they thought i was younger than what i am. my co-workers (except the ones that are like my parents age, or a couple that are in their thirties) range from about 16 to 21. which. isn't bad. per se. but, for some reason, i have this obsession with being older and wiser. and with age. i always want to act my age, or older. and it kinda offends me when people think i'm younger. however, i get along a little too well with these youngsters, which makes me

a little girl. 

now, being a little girl is not a negative thing. i want to always have a little girl inside. but i don't want to feel like a little girl in relation to other people. 

i'm not sure if any of this makes sense to anyone but me, but it still feels good giving my feelings a voice.

so. lately i have tried to act my age. not being intimidated by other people. not letting myself feel inferior. i guess this is all about self-esteem. and i am getting it back, or developing it further. it's going well. and i am glad. glad to be growing up from being

a little girl. 

ps: there is nothing anyone does to make me feel like this. it's all me. so, friends: don't feel bad. and don't change anything. 

how do they do it??

source.

i am not too bashful to publicly acknowledge my wisdom. i am a fairly wise person. i know things. many things. about lots of things. 

but there is one mystery i haven't come close to solving. getting married.

my circle of friends is dwindling, because most of them have fallen into that great abyss of marriage. they're gone forever. (almost forever - don't want to get too extreme here.)

and it's not like i don't want to join them. i just don't know how.

how do they do it?

mucho of my friends (or people i know) are now getting married. most don't surprise me. but some do. like everyone else, i think of some people: how in the h do they find someone, and not i?!

some people i know are getting married all over the place. these people are people with whom i have had countless conversations about the woes of dating. that we both suffer. and yet. they get 'er done. 

but hoooooooow??????????????????

i just don't understand the workings of it. how do you meet and fall in love and get married?

and it's not like i'm not happy for these friends and acquaintances. because i am. but i will say that the more from my small and large circles that find love, the less joy i am able to exude. there's joy. just less of it.

and the more determined i am to figure this out.

 i have a dream. to write a book. about this very issue. why am i not married?

or, why are not all normal, great, late-twenties + lds people married? a group which includes me. i'm normal and great, right?

whether or not i write this book remains to be seen. as soon as i get married the topic will most definitely probably be of little interest to me. but i have spent a good amount of time thinking about surveys i would distribute to people that fit into the category described above, all over the world. and i've thought about researching extensively everything said about this topic from the general authorities. and also having lengthy (and not-so-lengthy) interviews with both men and women desperately looking for love, in addition to the surveys, published in this book, which mission is to solve a most grievous problem.

maybe i'll call my book how do they do it?  or, to focus on the ones that don't: how can we do it? or maybe i'll just worry about a title when the book is actually finished.

book, or no book, this issue concerns me. mostly because i am 13 days from being 26, still single, and with no prospects in sight (at least not ones who's prospects include me).

i don't want what i have written to have a sad, pathetic, or desperate feel. but if it does, i apologize? no. i don't apologize for sharing my thoughts. and that's what they are. my thoughts. remember  when i was like: ooo, i've almost just started this blog, and haven't really opened up, so here i go. ?

there i went. a lot. and it feels good.

but now i went a totally different direction from where i started, so i will get back to business:

i want to get married. and i want to fall in love. i want to love. to be loved. to get to know another person on such a deep and personal level, where no one else will ever reach. and be able to open up like i never have before, and didn't think i was capable of. i want huge, scary, vulnerable love.

source.

since i'm into quoting from my journal, i will share a dream i wrote about on dec 31, 2011:

last night i had a dream that i got married. the man was a few men actually, but that's not the point. the point it, it was such a vivid dream, emotionally. more than i've ever experienced. especially at one point, where the groom was giving a speech to me, the bride, during the reception. he looked at me from the stage, holding the microphone, and i looked at him. we smiled at each other, and it was like there were no one else around - just us. and i felt such an incredible and special love for him - a feeling i have never felt in real life. but i felt it in the dream, and it was so real. it was pretty incredible, and i seriously cannot wait to feel like that for reals.

that is what i want. and i know that i will get it. i am just so curious as to how. what happens on the journey from where i am now to that moment in my dream where my groom gives a speech to me at our wedding? i want to know now.

how can i do it? i wish there was a book addressing this issues out there somewhere? oh, wait..

we all live in a yellow submarine.

for some reason, whenever i think about myself living in norway, i think of this song. well, not the whole song. 

just: we all live in a yellow submarine.

i just read the lyrics, and they made me no wiser, and don't really convey the feelings i have when i think of the chorus. 

but to me it means:

living in a strange place, which you are familiar with, but where you don't quite belong. 

i have a confession. something that's not news to anyone who knows me. 

i am an american.

and that is where i belong - in america. but now i live in a yellow submarine. and although i ought to feel comfortable here, i can't seem to be completely happy. or myself. sometimes it's like i am betraying myself by living here. i'm not being true to who i am. 

this sounds dramatic, i know. and a bit extreme. but i swear to you, i am not exaggerating. if anything, i am sugarcoating it. these are some deeply rooted feelings that sometimes surface in conversation with other people about my life and my story; and in comments i might make about either country. but they are feelings that i am somewhat ashamed of. no, i'm not ashamed, but i feel like i should be. and so, i'm ashamed that i'm not ashamed.

because most (well, most norwegians) can never understand what it feels like to switch nationalities, without really having switched nationalities. so i am constantly being misunderstood. like i am just wanting to live in america cause it's cool or something. like if i wanted to, i could be just as happy, if not happier here. wrong.

they can't understand. 

i have nationalistic feelings and patriotic pride - only for the wrong country. 

it's not like i was born in the wrong country or anything. i wasn't. i wouldn't be me if i wasn't norwegian. but a norwegian is not who i've become. i've become an american. 

heart and soul.

so. what about now? where do i live? norway. do i have a visa to live in the u.s.? no. do i have an acceptance letter from a grad school in the u.s.? no. but will it work out? undoubtedly yes. i have great hopes for my future.

i wrote it best myself (so apparently i quote myself now..) in my journal on december 24, 2011:

what i fail to remember is that my life isn't over now. and i can't taste the sweet unless i taste the bitter first. and i also forget that bitter isn't always bad. it's just different. 

oh, lene, the wise. but seriously. i can't know and appreciate sweet unless i have experienced bitter. and right now. i'm living bitter. but it's ok. because grapefruits are bitter, but they don't taste bad. just different. and they're good for you.

and speaking of things i have written in my journal. just the day before the quoted wisdom, i also wrote something profound (at least pertaining to my situation):

i miss the u.s. so much. my life is there. i know life there. i know me there. i don't know me here. there is no me here. i think. i don't know. maybe the real me is here. i just have to find her. 

now, remember, this was 13 days from being exactly 6 months ago. i have lived here (norway) now, for 6 months. and i still haven't found me. i think i have found parts of me. but i know for sure that the statement above is truth. i know me in the u.s. and i don't know me here. because me here would be able to be both comfortable and happy here. and i can't do either. not completely.

i think the last i saw of the real me was the summer of 2010. something changed after that summer, and i got lost. like i said, i have found parts of me since, and i am starting to think that other parts of the former me are lost forever, and they are supposed to be lost, or gone. and i am supposed to find new parts of my new self. this i am excited for. it's the hunt that's tough.

conclusion? there is none. currently. other than i just have to endure. endure 6 more months (if i get into grad school starting january - fingers crossed) in this yellow submarine.