my favorite kind of song.

my favorite kind of song is the one which gets me in the mood when in need of a good cry, and that i can fall in love with on a happy day. this is that kind of song.

[others include, but are not in the least limited to: never think - rob pattinson, shelter - ray lamontagne, & stay with me - bernhoft.]

it's been on repeat since i discovered it last night. then i cried and cried because i felt so very lonely and wanted a man so intensely. [i have a tear-stained journal entry to prove it.] today it makes me happy, and i just love it so.

seriously, just take a moment to enjoy the talent of this man. he is part of an elite group of men i would want to sing me to sleep every night.

you're welcome.

birthday philosophy.

my blog topic reminder list is coming along great. during an insomnia attack the other night i read all of my numerous (not really) posts, and wrote down everything i have previously said i would write about. so, despite my life being fairly uneventful, i still have things to share.

numero uno is my birthday philosophy. it's quite simple: as soon as the new year hits i am that year's age. for instance, during all of 2012 i was either 'turning 26' or '26'. and now, if people ask me how old i am, i say: "i turn 27 this summer." and i identify with 27 now, and not 26.

i discussed this philosophy with my old room mate, sarie, one time, and she operates under the exact same philosophy. it might be more relevant for her, since her birthday is at the beginning of april, and mine is towards the end of june. but. it's how i've always worked.

i realize this will not work for people born in the fall, or at the end of the year; and i am probably right at the cut-off point (mid-year). it might not work for people born in march either. they might cling to their age until the minute before it changes, and that's their business.

but there you have it. my birthday philosophy.




[i realize i might have issues w age, but that's for another post. one more thing added to the blog topic reminder list.]

confession no. 4

all the time sometimes i think every male is attracted to me. whatever i do, and wherever i am i pretend that each man who looks at me is thinking: dang. she's attractive. or beautiful, or sexy, or cute, or amazingly good-looking. when i meet a man's gaze, i am convinced that he is purposefully looking at me, because he can't not. as in, he can't take his eyes off of me. (that sounds better.) so that would make it not purposefully? not the point. point is: i'm hot. i know it. and i know that all the menfolk know it.

point made. 

how i roll.

this is what i do. for all those interested:

-work: almost every day. at a grocery store. that i usually love, but have been a little tired of the last couple of weeks. i'm sure it'll pass.

-watch tv: here it comes. a deep, dark secret i've been hiding. hell0. my name is lene. and i am a tv-holic. last fall i was introduced to a website that has given me both joy and grief. it is a website that streams tv-shows, and i have been spending way too much time catching up on the following tv-shows since then:

• how i met your mother
• the big bang theory
• the walking dead
• new girl
• modern family
• bones
• glee
• the office
• 30 rock
• parks and recreation

yes. that is a list of ten shows. and i will not reveal how many seasons i was behind on some of them. at this time, i am not quite caught up on four of the shows, but am so far into this thing that i need to finish. it's addicting. it's consuming. and i am aware of this. but i cannot stop. it is as bad as it sounds. i have even made a chart where i keep track of which season's i've watched and what shows i am caught up on. it's bad, ya'll.

-knit: i have knitted 1 adult sock, 1 pair of children's socks, many uneven squares for a blanket, and 2 halves of two different scarves. my goal is a sweater. and of course the other sock. and a hat, some mittens, and headband. i love knitting. and am quite ok at it. bad thing is, i buy yarn faster than i can finish any projects. i should probably watch less tv or something.

-read: fearing i might have adhd, i will tell you that i am currently reading 6 different books. they are featured at the very top left of this here blog. and i am wondering if i will ever finish any of them. when did i become this unfinisher? point is, i love reading. and i love that i currently have the freedom to read whatever i want. oh, and i also have a goal for 2013: to read the entire Bible. currently in genesis 31. so that's happening.

-young women: of which i lead. or try to. for any non-mormons reading this: i am the leader of the group of young girls between the ages of 12-18 at my local mormon church. there is a lot to plan and organize, but i am having so much fun with it, and the girls are wonderful. and, best of all, i am learning a million things. all the time. which, in turn, makes me feel alive. and happy.

-work out: i shouldn't even be writing this here, because it is something that i just recently resumed doing, after a too-many-weeks-long hiatus. but. i have been running outside in the arctic cold. and am quite proud of myself. it seems that the holiday food decided to show itself on my body several weeks after it was consumed. so. i'm currently very motivated and unmotivated at the same time. anywho. one of my other resolutions is to work out in some way or the other every day. so 10 sit-ups before bed counts if i didn't have time to do anything else during the day.

and that. is how i roll. (right now, this is a literal statement.)

jealous joy.

the feeling of reading your friends' blogs, and being so excited about their lives/adventures/accomplishments/happiness because you love them so much, but kicking that feeling's behind is the jealousy of their lives/adventures/accomplishments/happiness is all happening inside of my body right now. and i want to cry a little.

because here is the truth: i am embarrassed of my life. and i kinda just realized it. 

and i always write these have-pity-on-me posts, so i vow to not make this one of them. please don't feel sorry for me. 

but i think that i avoid blogging, and talking about my life with people because, quite frankly, i am ashamed. dramatic, but true. i never ever ever thought that i would be one of those people that i currently am. 

i take the bus to work, and sometimes (at certain hours of the day) it is filled with high schoolers going to school. and i look at them and think: oh, you are so young. and insecure. i am so much older, and have so much more life experience. 

because people usually think i'm younger than i am, i think that if these youths only knew i was almost 27, they would look up to me and think i'm cool. (logically.) but my wise brain, who pops in now and again, said: no, lene. they would not think you are cool. because you are 27 years old (have i written about my birthday philosophy before? i think not. it will come. in fact, i am creating a blog topic reminder list right now, so i'll remember to write about it.), and taking the bus to your job at the grocery store. i doubt that is what they want to be doing at 27. oh, and remember how you live at home? 

touchè, wise brain. touchè. 

sigh. 

moving on. 

i moved to norway dead set on finding myself. again. i've done this dance before, but somehow thought it would be different this time. and actually, it has been. but i'm not done. and i don't think i'll ever be done. there are so many things i want to be. too many, maybe. but when are we ever done learning? when am i ever done growing? never. so i feel better about my life after that conclusion. i am just growing in other areas than i thought i would be. like trying to be happy despite miserable circumstances. it's been a tough one, but i am finally sensing a breakthrough. 

oh boy, this is a long post. feel free to take a bathroom break. or turn off your computer. i'm just gonna keep on writing. 

last night i had an unexplainable dream. i know because i tried to explain it to my stepmother, and couldn't. that's how i feel a lot of the time. like i can't explain myself very well. which leads to these scattered posts that i don't know where i'm going with. 

well, what i want is hope, and that's where this post should go. to hope. hope in the future. 

ladies, and gentlemen. for the first time, i am ready to reveal my plans for the future. and i pray that saying them out loud (in writing) will not make them go 'poof'. 

if all falls into place, i will be working and living in norway through june. then spend july volunteering in africa with my friend, carrie. august in utah, packing up my storage and moving to whatever grad school will accept me. 

another sigh.

there's a little devil on my shoulder that looks like me, telling me these things could never happen. and the angel on the other is MIA. but, here's to hope.

there is one more thing (that i can, at this very moment, think of) i want to write about before i forget. i recently shared this analogy in church, and found it so profound that i thought i'd share it with the world (oh, the angel is back.)

the fall of 2010 marked the time where i entered the longest and darkest tunnel of my life. when you are going through a dark tunnel, you cannot see anything or anyone. you can only focus on yourself moving forward, through the tunnel, towards the light you so desperately want to believe is at the end. well, my good folks. i am out of the tunnel. i think maybe it happened around christmas time. (it's a christmas miracle!) and being out of the tunnel, i now have the magic ability to turn on the lights in the tunnel. this enables me to see not only everything that has happened since fall of '10 in the light, but also all the other people walking in the dark tunnel.  now that i am surrounded by light, i can focus on them too - not just me. end of tunnel analogy. here's to hope.

this needs to be the end of post also. i have more to say, but it will fit in other posts. some of which i will write right after i post this post.

thanks for making it to the end, dear friends. or myself, as i re-read this post however long (or short) from now. remember how i wanted to cry at the beginning of this post? well, now i'm smiling.

look. i did it. 

2012 recap.

2012 was the year i...

• lived in norway. with my father. for the first time since i was four. and it was both harder and better than i expected.
• worked as a substitute teacher for norwegian brats. who i kinda grew to love.
• fulfilled a childhood dream to work as a cashier at a grocery store.
• was a seminary teacher for the last part of the old testament and the first part of the new testament. (one of my goals for 2013 is to read the whole bible.)
• crushed on much younger boys, and much older men. clearly i am doomed. 
• slowly but surely lost some weight. through a (mostly) regular exercise routine (except during 1 small gap and 1 larger gap), and my dad's bachelor diet of sandwiches and hot dogs, added by lots of candy - almost every day.
• probably developed diabetes. 
• started knitting.
• won two tickets to a concert. that never happens to me.
• went to the concert. performing were 3 contestants on 'the voice - norway', including 1 finalist. that's pretty big. (obviously not justin bieber big. but still. free tickets.)
• turned 26. officially over the hill.
• went on a 3-week vacation to my home country of america. (as proof that i am truly american, i just said that there is a country called america.)
• drove from las vegas to salt lake city through the darkest of night, after 24 hrs+ of traveling. 
• attended (however briefly) 5 wedding receptions in 3 weeks. 2 on the same day.
• went to new york city for the first time.
• walked 114 nyc blocks in thin sandals.
• got my first tooth filling. and my second, third, and fourth.
• went to the dentist for the first time in 6+ years.
• spent $2000+ at the dentist.
• got new glasses that are somehow both less and more nerdy than my previous pair.
• biked. a lot.
• was in a bike/car incident that led to being reported to the police by a crazy woman. to which the police told her they had better things to do.
• went to london for the first real time. 
• watched the midnight premiere of breaking dawn pt. 2 in london w my mother, and looooooved it (with 6 o's).
• got called as the young women's president. yikes.
• finally baked christmas goodies (7 kinds, baby).
• celebrated a lovely christmas w my father. the best in years. 
• was the one opening the most presents in the family. that never happens. 
• spent my 2nd new years eve at a single adult dance w my mother. and i have yet to turn 27. (see #5 regards crushing on older men.)
• read 29 books. and started 6 more. (that i am still working on.)
• had as close to nil as one can get in terms of a social life.
• did not get married. or even meet a potential eternal companion. 
• learned many much-needed lessons, of which i have yet to discover most of.
• was where i needed to be. for now.