confession no. 3

i secretly want to be an actress just to make out with attractive men.

magical.

have you ever looked up at the sky, during snow, at night, beside a lamp post? well. that's what i did tonight. and this is my conclusion (and please note that i never thought i would say this):

the snow is magical. 

i had had a somewhat roller-coaster of a day, and was waiting for the bus to go home. the snow was falling slowly, and i could see each individual snowflake. it was seriously magical. and of course it helped that i had some awesome music playing on the i-pod.

magical.

source.

life.

much too frequently i either utter or think the phrase: i hate my life. sometimes, when pedaling through wind and rain on a much too full stomach running late for work, that phrase is even followed by: so so so so so much. and then a grunt.

in the recent past i realized that i cannot hate my life, when i have no life. because this phrase too exits my mouth/brain.

and it's true. i have nothing to show. nothing to tell. i don't have a present to live in. the times i live in are the past and the future. i swim in glorious memories of times past till my skin is wrinkled, and then i wrap myself in the towel of the future - so warm, cozy; full of love, joy, and life; with promises of dreams and longings fulfilled.

sometime during 2009/2010, i would often say, quite loudly actually, if i remember correctly, the single word: life. followed by, not a grunt, but a sigh. one of those given-up-on-life sighs. my beautiful (inside and out) room mate, amy, would, rather justified, be disgruntled by my not-so-subtle outbursts of negativity, and asked me kindly (probably not kindly. but the way parents authoritatively, yet lovingly demand.) to stop this. so i decided to use the word socks instead. which didn't have the same effect on me. and then life got better.

ironically, most of my socks are currently falling apart.

i live in a cave. that started out as a room my dad had redone completely before i moved in. new floors. white walls. new bedding. i created the cave. in the cave i want to do nothing. and nothing is what i do. i sit there. on my bed. eating candy. yes, candy. almost every single day. watching tv shows on my computer. keeping track of all the shows i'm catching up on. right before the sand runs out i hurry and get ready for work (while watching tv of course), and rush there. and then back. into the cave. where i hide. from the world. and wallow. wallow in my nothingness.

i feel that i have come to a point where i can relate to the emos. and that, my friends, is where it ends. that is where i draw the line.

i keep telling myself i can't do anything. so i don't. but i can. so i need to. desperately need to.

2012 has been the worst year of my life. and i say that with certainty. even though it's not even over yet. having said that, i've had a pretty good life. compared to the majority of the world.

i am determined to, inasmuch as i can control it, keep 2012 as my worst year.

and as i am writing this, i seem to remember writing something similar after 2011. but it got worse. so. there's only one thing to do: break the cycle.

there.

i just needed to get those rambles out. let the phoenix burn ya know. time to rise, and to morph into another creature. like a cow. i like cows. and no. i'm not high. nor do i have adhd.

bye.

best decision ever.

you know when you skip more songs than you listen to on your ipod? and it just makes your life that much worse. well. guess what i did. i deleted all of my ipod songs. and then i added ones that i actually want to listen to. and now i'm happy every time i listen to my ipod, i don't skip songs anymore, and my life sucks less. success.

pick-up lines.

at work today there was a regular customer (young guy) who said to me: "do you eat a lot of sugar?"
my first thought was: hey! i'm not that fat!
and then. i knew what was coming.
"because you're so sweet." (which, in norwegian also means cute.)
few people have mastered the art of pick-up lines. this guy..had not. needless to say, i was not impressed.
but. i have to say. that i would like a guy who actually have mastered the art.
because pick-up lines can be very charming.

a glimpse.

today i experienced a glimpse of happiness.

you know when you don't know how bad you're doing until something good happens, and you forgot that you don't feel like that anymore?

well. i was biking home from choir and thought about this girl that i used to go to school with who just wrote me on facebook and said we have a friend in common. i haven't talked to/seen her in many years, and the friend we have in common is an american who's related to her, and who served his mission in my ward. so that's the connection. not a big thing.

but as i was biking home i thought about how it's totally a missionary opportunity for me in some small way. and my heart did a microscopic skip and my emotions had the upper hand for a second, and even if i wanted to, i would not have been able to keep from smiling.

and i was happy. for a moment.

but then i was sad that i haven't felt like that in a long time. that is, happy. not overjoyed, just happy.

i realized that it's pretty bad that i am mostly unhappy, and once in a blue moon i experience a tiny glimpse of happiness.

when i experienced that today, it made me so sad. and although i treasured that glimpse as though i would never experience it again, my heart broke thinking that that's all i got. for a second.

i used to be happy most of the time. in fact, i was rarely unhappy. and always positive and optimistic. if this is what growing up is like i don't want to do it. i'll move to bali and live on the beach with no responsibilities for the rest of my life.

last night i decided that enough is enough, and that starting today i would force myself to be positive and optimistic, and then i ended up having a terrible start of the day, and it's hard to be positive and optimistic when everything seems to work against you.

but maybe that's my lot. right now. maybe that's what i am here in norway to learn. how to stay positive during the grandest trial of my life. how to stay optimistic through 98% unhappiness.

i know this sounds... i don't even know how this sounds. but i'ts how i feel. and it's a new feeling. i'm not used to being unhappy, and it's difficult to deal with. i guess you learn how to.

but i can't accept unhappiness. i have to work harder for happiness. i realize that. so i will try harder to work harder.

if you're reading this, feel free to say a little prayer for me. i'd appreciate that.

and don't misunderstand. i am capable of feeling joy and appreciation. i just currently live in a state of unhappiness. and it's due to the fact that i am not where i want to be. in most ways. physically. emotionally. spiritually (although, i feel like i am learning a great deal in this area). etc.

bottom line. today i experienced a glimpse of happiness. and for that i celebrate.

doesn't this picture just bring you a glimpse (or more) of happiness?

source. 

today was an expensive day.

recently i've been having headaches every day all day. and that gets pretty old fast. so after convincing myself that it most likely is not a brain tumor, i remembered that the last time i was getting headaches (btw. i never get headaches. like so rarely a box (it's called a box, isn't it?) of ibu-profen lasts me about ten years. needless to say, it's been torture), i needed a stronger prescription for my glasses/contacts. 

so today i went to the eye doctor, and i'm getting new glasses. frames and the whole nine yards. two frames, in fact. an extra pair for free. it took me about half the day to pick out the frames, and the doctor and the sales lady were giving me all sorts of pairs to try, and told me which ones looked too big, too small, too round, too square. they were very helpful, and i think i found the right pair.(s) it's kind of a big deal because it's something that will be right in the middle of my face for a fair amount of the time, and contrary to popular belief, 

i do not want to look like an idiot.

i got some contacts to try, and let me tell you. it's a miracle. i can see again. and i gotta say: i am much better looking than i thought i was. granted, the glasses were cheaper than expected, but i just bought new glasses, people, so naturally it's gonna cost a bit.

a few hours after the much needed eye doctor appointment came a much more needed appointment. i went somewhere i have not been since i was still a teen-ager. 

the dentist.

a word of advice. do not wait 6+ years to go to the dentist. i mean, it could be worse, but it was to me. at least worse than i expected. i figured that maybe i had a couple of cavities in need of attention, but no big deal. and maybe it's not a big deal to some people. but i have 8 cavities in need of attention, and two wisdom teeth to pull. yup. my worst fear. next to being attacked by a tick. and of course excluding dying, or having a close one die. 

and i have pretty nice teeth. they're not too yellow. and they're pretty straight. and i can't really see any cavities when i open my mouth. and i brush, floss, and use mouthwash every single day. 

still. that's what you get for not going to the dentist in a 1/5 of your life. but it's all good. i just want to take care of it. get it done. and i've never had a cavity before, so i guess it's a first for everything. getting fillings. part of being a grown-up. i guess. 

so. almost $3000 later. i will have a healthy mouth, see, and look hot. 

life is great. i guess.

fave.

october is my favorite month. let me tell you why.

1. fall is at its' peak. aka its' bestest. and fall is my fave season.
2. colorful leaves. warms the soul.
3. crisp air. nothing better. and crisp is really the perfect word for fall air.
4. rain. (sometimes - not every.single.day.)
5. the word october is just sexy. ahk-toh-burr. just taste it. mmm.
6. halloween. the greatest holiday of all. costumes. scary stuff. fun food. hot boys. (always.)
7. october is orange. and orange is my favorite color.
8. scarves.
9. pumpkin. spice. and all the fun to be had w those.

please never end, october.

source  .  source  .  source  .  source

side note I: i used to want to get married in october, but decided that august makes the most sense. obviously.

side note II: my beautiful pinterest board has some delicious fall pics.

confession no.2

i obsess. 

over boys.

i have elaborate fantasies of how we'll meet, fall in love, meet each other's families, give each other gifts, how he'll propose, how we'll get married, have children, raise teenagers etc. and it's the same boys, but different scenarios. played out in my head as i am walking, waiting, or trying to fall asleep.

the end.

home.

tomorrow i'm leaving the yellow submarine to go home. 

though only for three weeks. 

still.

peeing-my-pants-stoked.

how i know i'm ok.

***ALERT!!! elements of grossness in this post. nothing inappropriate.***

let me tell you about a day i experienced a couple of weeks ago. 

i was scheduled to work at 6 am, so i get up and ready myself for this responsibility. only to notice that it's raining outside. 

not a big deal. a hoodie will provide shelter for my head on the bike ride to work, i thought. 

wrong.

big deal. my sweater and pants were dripping as i arrived at work. it probably took me 12-15 minutes to get there. need i remind you this is 6 am. that's in the morning. 

so i just air dry throughout the day, going about my business. things are fine.

this day i was being trained to open the store (hence 6 am - we open at 7), which takes about 1-2 hours. however, i had taken another's shift that started at 9.

there's not much to do at work this early, so instead of working the cash registers, having learned all i needed to, i helped the people "on the floor".

being a diligent worker, i accept any task asked of me, and started cleaning the bottom shelves of an aisle, removing and replacing the items as i went. 

it was a tedious task. 

which i mostly did on my knees, because, bottom shelf, remember? and i don't know if it's cause i'm 26, and old, now, or another reason, but my knees hurt like a mother throughout the cleaning.

anywho. this part of my day wasn't the worst, but i threw it in there anyway. you know, the whole 'straw that broke the camel's back' comes to mind.

as i am helping out "the floor", i get a phone call. 

i imagine it is a phone call dreaded by most. 

"an elderly man soiled himself in the bathroom, can you clean it up?"

by this point i'm starting to regret the whole 'diligent worker' crap. but. i am who i am.

so i go. 

human feces everywhere.

everywhere.

no one but me saw it, so i have an urge to describe it in great detail, but i will spare your gag reflexes. 

this time.

but only a little. allow me to just bullet some points:

toilet seat
floor x13
wall
pieces of undigested food (sorry, i had to)
fully loaded diaper in the trash
and the worst part: the smell. impossible to describe. just think of the smell of human poop. and a lot of it. in a small room with a closed door. (ps: i opened the door while i was cleaning.)

yup. i did that.

but you know what?

it wasn't so bad. i didn't mind.

i was wearing gloves and have wiped old people's behind before. the smell was bad. don't get me wrong. i had a wrinkled forehead for hours after.

but mostly all i could think of was the poor old man who had caused this mess. how humiliating and degrading. how embarrassed he must have felt as he hurriedly snuck out of there and  home to shower. (i imagine)

[ it was another customer who made us aware of the situation. ]

it made me more sad than disgusted. my heart kind of ached, actually. but that's a whole other story about how noble and empathetic i am.

the point is: i cleaned up human waste from the bathroom at work.

so. remember that shift i took? well, it was from 9-5 pm.

which equals 11 hours of work, since i got there at 6. dripping. you recall?

there's not need to recap the unfortunate turn of events of this day i'm elaborating on.

i guess you could simply call it

crappy.

but.

as i biked home that day. sans rain.

i smiled. a lot.

and i had been. all day.

i felt happy. sincerely.



and that's how i know i'm ok. 

btw.

i didn't dream about my husband. 

on my birthday.

maybe next year.

would you rather.

be kinda good at lots of things.

or.

really good at one/two things.

i don't know what i'd rather, but i am the first. and sometimes i feel really blessed that i have many talents, covering many areas. but other times, when the insecurity creeps in, i think: why can't i be awesome at something? 

like really awesome. 

and then i remember: i am. 

i would put money on this. this, being that i am probably one of the top 10 

best kissers.

in the world.

so. then i'm happy. er.

source

june 23rd.

is my birthday.

midsummer in norway. the longest day of the year.

i love my birthday. so much. 

today (well, technically yesterday as of 2.5 hours ago) i turned 26.

i know that lately i've been barking about being single and desperately wanting a husband (if you've read between the not-so-subtle lines, you've gotten this message). but leave a girl my age with basically none but her thoughts to keep her company for 6 months and this is what you get. 

anyway, this is a happy post. 

there is an ancient (well, old) midsummer tradition that i have always wanted to uphold, and i decided that this year it was about time i did it. 

a young (hah) maiden would put seven different kinds of wildflowers under her pillow and sleep with them there on midsummer's night, and then she would dream about her husband. 

so. tonight it's my turn. 

sweet dreams. hopefully.

a little girl.

i am a little girl. 

in many ways. 

and it makes me uncomfortable.

it's a bubble i want to burst. 

i am a little girl amongst my friends and family, amongst americans, and amongst my co-workers. 

i guess i tend to give myself a label, and convince myself that i am/know less than i am/do, or am capable of. i don't give myself much credit. 

and that's where i got lost. when i started to view myself as inferior. how did i get here? gradually. but that's not the point. the point is i am coming back. and the first step is to realize that i am not

a little girl.

in many ways.

let me explain:

friends - 

in my youth, i was the youngest in my group of close friends. but we didn't notice. in college, i was usually the oldest in my group. and felt that way in terms of experiences and wisdom (man, i'm really into my wisdom lately. or maybe i've just become more enlightened and realized truth). but not so much anymore. i feel like they have surpassed me. the cause of this, i have gathered, is mostly because they're all freakin married. and if not married, have had some experiences that have just made them grow - like study abroad, living on their own, having a real, grown-up job. and the married ones have children too. that stuff ages you, man. yet, i have none of this. it feels like. so, when i think about my friends now, i feel like

a little girl.

family - 

my little brother is married. yup. he's younger than me, but he's married. and lived with his wife for 2+ years before they got married. and have been working, renting apartments, paying bills, raising a dog, providing, and being a grown-up for, what seems like years. (now, i might be giving him a little too much credit, because he makes mistakes, is, at times, irresponsible, and have some immature qualities too, but just go with it.) so, compared to him i feel like 

a little girl.

i didn't grow up with my dad, but am living with him now. in the basement. without a car. or the freedom to make whatever i want for dinner. (basically true) or freedom to be a grown-up. he hasn't seen that i have become an adult, having lived on my own (well, with room mates), and taken care of myself for the past 5 years. he treats me as...not an adult. so, naturally, i feel like 

a little girl.

my mother is the only one (in my immediate family) that doesn't make me feel like

a little girl.

americans - 

because most of my current, close friends are american, they also go under this category. because english isn't my native tongue, i often ask what words or expressions mean, and this makes me feel inferior. i'm not saying this is bad, because i believe in always learning new things, and i love learning. plus, i really appreciate learning from my friends. it's just that i feel like they (americans) know more than i do, in general. [ok, pause. obviously i recognize that there are plenty of dumb americans that i surpass by lightyears when it comes to wisdom and intelligence. i'm mostly referring to friends, and people similar to me that i encounter.] and i think because i have such a longing to truly belong to america, i look up to americans, making me 

a little girl. 

co-workers - 

the reason i started thinking about this a while ago was that i found out that most of my co-workers (at the grocery store, not the school (obviously)) are younger than i thought, and a lot younger than i. and, what's worse, they thought i was younger than what i am. my co-workers (except the ones that are like my parents age, or a couple that are in their thirties) range from about 16 to 21. which. isn't bad. per se. but, for some reason, i have this obsession with being older and wiser. and with age. i always want to act my age, or older. and it kinda offends me when people think i'm younger. however, i get along a little too well with these youngsters, which makes me

a little girl. 

now, being a little girl is not a negative thing. i want to always have a little girl inside. but i don't want to feel like a little girl in relation to other people. 

i'm not sure if any of this makes sense to anyone but me, but it still feels good giving my feelings a voice.

so. lately i have tried to act my age. not being intimidated by other people. not letting myself feel inferior. i guess this is all about self-esteem. and i am getting it back, or developing it further. it's going well. and i am glad. glad to be growing up from being

a little girl. 

ps: there is nothing anyone does to make me feel like this. it's all me. so, friends: don't feel bad. and don't change anything. 

how do they do it??

source.

i am not too bashful to publicly acknowledge my wisdom. i am a fairly wise person. i know things. many things. about lots of things. 

but there is one mystery i haven't come close to solving. getting married.

my circle of friends is dwindling, because most of them have fallen into that great abyss of marriage. they're gone forever. (almost forever - don't want to get too extreme here.)

and it's not like i don't want to join them. i just don't know how.

how do they do it?

mucho of my friends (or people i know) are now getting married. most don't surprise me. but some do. like everyone else, i think of some people: how in the h do they find someone, and not i?!

some people i know are getting married all over the place. these people are people with whom i have had countless conversations about the woes of dating. that we both suffer. and yet. they get 'er done. 

but hoooooooow??????????????????

i just don't understand the workings of it. how do you meet and fall in love and get married?

and it's not like i'm not happy for these friends and acquaintances. because i am. but i will say that the more from my small and large circles that find love, the less joy i am able to exude. there's joy. just less of it.

and the more determined i am to figure this out.

 i have a dream. to write a book. about this very issue. why am i not married?

or, why are not all normal, great, late-twenties + lds people married? a group which includes me. i'm normal and great, right?

whether or not i write this book remains to be seen. as soon as i get married the topic will most definitely probably be of little interest to me. but i have spent a good amount of time thinking about surveys i would distribute to people that fit into the category described above, all over the world. and i've thought about researching extensively everything said about this topic from the general authorities. and also having lengthy (and not-so-lengthy) interviews with both men and women desperately looking for love, in addition to the surveys, published in this book, which mission is to solve a most grievous problem.

maybe i'll call my book how do they do it?  or, to focus on the ones that don't: how can we do it? or maybe i'll just worry about a title when the book is actually finished.

book, or no book, this issue concerns me. mostly because i am 13 days from being 26, still single, and with no prospects in sight (at least not ones who's prospects include me).

i don't want what i have written to have a sad, pathetic, or desperate feel. but if it does, i apologize? no. i don't apologize for sharing my thoughts. and that's what they are. my thoughts. remember  when i was like: ooo, i've almost just started this blog, and haven't really opened up, so here i go. ?

there i went. a lot. and it feels good.

but now i went a totally different direction from where i started, so i will get back to business:

i want to get married. and i want to fall in love. i want to love. to be loved. to get to know another person on such a deep and personal level, where no one else will ever reach. and be able to open up like i never have before, and didn't think i was capable of. i want huge, scary, vulnerable love.

source.

since i'm into quoting from my journal, i will share a dream i wrote about on dec 31, 2011:

last night i had a dream that i got married. the man was a few men actually, but that's not the point. the point it, it was such a vivid dream, emotionally. more than i've ever experienced. especially at one point, where the groom was giving a speech to me, the bride, during the reception. he looked at me from the stage, holding the microphone, and i looked at him. we smiled at each other, and it was like there were no one else around - just us. and i felt such an incredible and special love for him - a feeling i have never felt in real life. but i felt it in the dream, and it was so real. it was pretty incredible, and i seriously cannot wait to feel like that for reals.

that is what i want. and i know that i will get it. i am just so curious as to how. what happens on the journey from where i am now to that moment in my dream where my groom gives a speech to me at our wedding? i want to know now.

how can i do it? i wish there was a book addressing this issues out there somewhere? oh, wait..

we all live in a yellow submarine.

for some reason, whenever i think about myself living in norway, i think of this song. well, not the whole song. 

just: we all live in a yellow submarine.

i just read the lyrics, and they made me no wiser, and don't really convey the feelings i have when i think of the chorus. 

but to me it means:

living in a strange place, which you are familiar with, but where you don't quite belong. 

i have a confession. something that's not news to anyone who knows me. 

i am an american.

and that is where i belong - in america. but now i live in a yellow submarine. and although i ought to feel comfortable here, i can't seem to be completely happy. or myself. sometimes it's like i am betraying myself by living here. i'm not being true to who i am. 

this sounds dramatic, i know. and a bit extreme. but i swear to you, i am not exaggerating. if anything, i am sugarcoating it. these are some deeply rooted feelings that sometimes surface in conversation with other people about my life and my story; and in comments i might make about either country. but they are feelings that i am somewhat ashamed of. no, i'm not ashamed, but i feel like i should be. and so, i'm ashamed that i'm not ashamed.

because most (well, most norwegians) can never understand what it feels like to switch nationalities, without really having switched nationalities. so i am constantly being misunderstood. like i am just wanting to live in america cause it's cool or something. like if i wanted to, i could be just as happy, if not happier here. wrong.

they can't understand. 

i have nationalistic feelings and patriotic pride - only for the wrong country. 

it's not like i was born in the wrong country or anything. i wasn't. i wouldn't be me if i wasn't norwegian. but a norwegian is not who i've become. i've become an american. 

heart and soul.

so. what about now? where do i live? norway. do i have a visa to live in the u.s.? no. do i have an acceptance letter from a grad school in the u.s.? no. but will it work out? undoubtedly yes. i have great hopes for my future.

i wrote it best myself (so apparently i quote myself now..) in my journal on december 24, 2011:

what i fail to remember is that my life isn't over now. and i can't taste the sweet unless i taste the bitter first. and i also forget that bitter isn't always bad. it's just different. 

oh, lene, the wise. but seriously. i can't know and appreciate sweet unless i have experienced bitter. and right now. i'm living bitter. but it's ok. because grapefruits are bitter, but they don't taste bad. just different. and they're good for you.

and speaking of things i have written in my journal. just the day before the quoted wisdom, i also wrote something profound (at least pertaining to my situation):

i miss the u.s. so much. my life is there. i know life there. i know me there. i don't know me here. there is no me here. i think. i don't know. maybe the real me is here. i just have to find her. 

now, remember, this was 13 days from being exactly 6 months ago. i have lived here (norway) now, for 6 months. and i still haven't found me. i think i have found parts of me. but i know for sure that the statement above is truth. i know me in the u.s. and i don't know me here. because me here would be able to be both comfortable and happy here. and i can't do either. not completely.

i think the last i saw of the real me was the summer of 2010. something changed after that summer, and i got lost. like i said, i have found parts of me since, and i am starting to think that other parts of the former me are lost forever, and they are supposed to be lost, or gone. and i am supposed to find new parts of my new self. this i am excited for. it's the hunt that's tough.

conclusion? there is none. currently. other than i just have to endure. endure 6 more months (if i get into grad school starting january - fingers crossed) in this yellow submarine. 

new music heals the soul.

on repeat.

living in the district.

and by district i mean the district of columbia. d.c.

that's where i lived for about 3.5 months. my last months in the beautiful country that has captured my heart. fitting that it was the capital. 

my reason for living there: student teaching. was it everything i dreamt it would be. not in the least. in fact, i had a pretty difficult time there on lots of levels. 

trying to retell experiences from such a long period of time is not done adequately in one post. but i am giving it one post. so obviously it's a long one. and not at all adequate. 

first, a little ranting. 

i was extremely poor, having spent all my money road-tripping all summer, and if you can believe it didn't buy a single item of clothing (apart from 2 scarves) or shoes. i speak truth. so no shopping for me. it nearly killed me. 

student teaching in itself was a terrible experience. i think the whole concept is ludicrous. teaching in a classroom that is not your own and where you have no real control or power, having to adhere to the classroom teacher's rules and way of teaching, and yet expected to find and develop your own way of teaching and "taking over" the classroom for some odd weeks, "acting" as the teacher, teaching and disciplining kids that didn't know you a few weeks ago and who know you're not the real teacher. impossible much? and stupid much? or maybe that's just me? it probably was just me.

ok. rant over. for now. i actually did learn a lot. and learning is hard. did i have a bad attitude about it? yes. am i aware of all that this experience taught me? no. that will come later, i'm sure. over and over again.

my time was spent at miner elementary school in dc. 

of course i didn't ever remember to take a picture of this in the day-time. 

but the children. did i love the children? yes so much. most of the time. having a difficult time dealing with my first assigned mentor teacher (a story i might save for a much later post, when i can put the situation into a perspective that will yield constructive and mature discussion), i was moved to another (much calmer) classroom for the last few weeks. so i was lucky enough to get to know 40 some beautiful black 5th graders. and jorge. (who, btw, is also beautiful.) i might spend time later telling specific stories of the children and why i love them so, but the fact that i do love them is enough for now.

we worked hard on the hallway lines//one of the best pictures ever taken - look at those faces//i love this so much//oh the black kids. they sure had some moves.

perfectly captures the only student that made me cry at school. i both loved and hated this girl. no. not hated. i don't hate children. but she made me cry. in the bathroom. no one saw. maybe one day i'll share her story. love her though. a lot.

basically all my children in the cafeteria. many awesome black names memorized. wasn't hard at all (small lie).

at the playground - so cute//are these not some of the most beautiful girls you've ever seen?

and here comes some more ranting. this is written in complete bloody-beating-heart-in-my-hand-honesty: my last chance to find an american husband was dc. byu was over. my visa was expiring. i was leaving. and i had 3.5 months to find a soul mate. yeah yeah. laugh at my irrational brain. so, needless to say, i was a little desperate. not flirting-with-all-the-boys-desperate, just hoping-and-wishing-twisting-my-insides-and-quietly-crying-desperate, waiting for someone in the ward to notice me - the norwegian beauty of their dreams. their future wife and baby mama. but alas, this got me nowhere, and the more time passed, the worse i felt (and looked - let's face it, desperation leads to depression, which leads to decay), and the more bitter i got at the stupid, ignorant certain man i had chosen the very first time i saw him boys in the ward that didn't want to date me. so i started complaining. and occasionally skipping the last 2 meetings of church and every single ward activity. and that's productive. as well as extremely healing. so. major ward fail in dc. and that's that. no conclusion there (other than the one between the lines).

all of this i could obviously not anticipate as i arrived, early one morning into arlington, va. 6 am. the semester lay before me with hopes and exciting things laying in wait. i was excited. i was living in frickin dc. 

washington monument//vietnam war memorial//lincoln memorial//capitol building. (i'm noticing a pattern in my stance. does it maybe make me look skinnier?)

2 great men. abraham lincoln//martin luther king jr.

since i wish to become an american i figured i should have an in with the president. haha. lene, you so funny.

the next few days were spent exploring in the heat, food shopping at costco, and setting up my lair for the next few months.

i do miss this actually. however unnecessary it all was. cow blankie, rob pattinson, byu champions. oh the memories.

if it looks like i packed too much, i totally did. including most of, if not all, my children books (not knowing which grade i'd be teaching, i felt this act necessary. did i use a single one of those books? no. am i constantly learning painful and expensive lessons when it comes to packing (aka hoarding)? yes.), 3 pillows and a duvet, way too many shoes, and my cleaning supplies from my old apt. why you ask? idk. really, i don't know. most of this crap is currently stored with my angel of a friend, heather. if you wonder what happened to the cleaning supplies i reluctantly left them in the apartment. a tear may or may not have been shed. seriously, my mop has been with me since my very first apt at byu.

ok. it is now time to introduce the sunshine of my semester. what helped me through it all. my soft, funny, and true room mates. interesting combo, but it's what just came to me. ironically, my room mate situation was the one thing i didn't think i would be happy with in dc. yet. i wouldn't have survived without them. shalyn arrived first. then came joyce, rachel, heather, and finally megan. megan was my blonde, SoCal, insane room-room mate. and by insane, i mean insanely funny, hot, and with insane dance moves. i seriously don't have time or room (this is a lie) to explain all of them here, but tidbits will seep throughout this post and others in the future.

ready to get to know each other. we seriously experienced very little awkwardness. probably because we're all so mature.

because i am a very chronological person (can a person be chronological? well, i guess we all are..), i will retell the most important events (the ones i captured on camera) from the semester in a more or less chronological order.

starting with our first room mate dinner. (there is a great story about the fire alarm in our apt building, but i'll let heather tell it. as well as the duck salad story. i just can't talk about it quite yet.)

apparently there is a tv show called georgetown cupcake. or the shop is a part of a cupcake show. idk. i had never heard of it. but we went to dinner in georgetown so we wanted cupcakes for dessert. after i-phone searching for the place and walking for several blocks we arrived to a closing store. complaining loudly, heather got the attention of a gtcc (georgetown cupcake) worker, who found it in his heart to give 6 starving (lie) dc newbies 19 free cupcakes. we were extremely grateful. and they lasted 3 days. and were delicious.

it was a bonding experience to say the least.

the peanut butter ones were to.die.for.

the 10 year anniversary for 9/11 came quickly after our arrival in the nation's capital. and seeing that we lived only blocks away from a place of attack on that gruesome day, we went to the pentagon memorial. it was a special experience. a serene remembrance to the the innocents that died there.

then shalyn got her mission call. to chile. now, this girl surprised me time and time again throughout the semester. all of a sudden this awesome girl, a lot like myself (yes, i just referred to myself as being awesome) emerged. she listened to josh groban a lot in the beginning (but i like him, so that's ok), but then she busted out the real music, like eminem and lots of other rap/r&b artists i can't currently recall. but seriously, it was the best. she was singing/rapping all the time. and my favorite surprise: she loves black guys. almost as much as i do. many moments were shared between us as one spotted a beautiful specimen, got the attention of the other, and grinned like an idiot while raising the eyebrows up and down. it.was.the.best. needless to say, she came out of her shell, and i hold this young (she's like 4.5 years younger than me) beauty very dear.

so excited. this reminds me - i gotta write her.

when i was still really excited and hopeful about the ward (before the desperation truly surfaced) we went on a ward retreat to the woods of maryland.

and...hung out with each other. we were incredible at making friends.

bonfire turned dance party in the middle of the woods//rainy softball. aaaaall by ourseeeeelves...

but we also went to gettysburg, pa, so it was worth it.

i wish i would have read this book before i went there instead of after. (and this book.) it would have been more meaningful i think. still. an amazing place.

the cemetery was my favorite. we had an awesome guide//large battlegrounds. 

joyce was my outing buddy (not in a coming-out-of-the-closet kinda way) in dc. we went sightseeing rain or shine. when we went to eastern market it was shining. this is where i purchased my 2 scarves (which i love).

all i have to say about eastern market is: i am coming back when i have money. and buying mirrors, vintage leather bags, more scarves, dc photographs, and, of course, produce.

delicious breakfast in the form of maple, walnut french toast//scarves upon scarves//tomatoes//extremely desirable mirrors.

the first birthday we experienced was rachel's. rachel was the one i had the least in common with, of all the roomies. which, you know, is what it is. i spent the least time with her, but that doesn't mean that we didn't have good experiences together, or meaningful conversations. i appreciated her, and learned from her. and love her. i was seriously so grateful that i had such amazing room mates. because seriously, what are the odds that you will get along with all of your room mates (especially when there are 6 in one apt)? even the one i differed from the most i got along with. and i feel very blessed because of that. again, they helped me stay afloat.

as for rachel's birthday. we went to arlington cemetery, which is, one of the most amazing places i've been. it might be because it was early fall, a beautiful sunny day, and simply gorgeous, but i'm pretty sure it's spectacular year-round.

tombs//changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier//stones on jewish tombstones. 

at night we had a special sunday dinner and mouth-watering dessert. unfortunately, the day wasn't all that exciting for rachel - it was, in fact, the opposite. but we tried to cheer her up. i don't know if we succeeded. you know when you're sad sometimes nothing or no one can better your sadness. her birthday was celebrated nonetheless, and i remember it fondly. 

bday girl//all that were there that weekend//chocolate volcano of some kind.

the reason why i remember it fondly is probably because of selfish reasons. after dinner we dragged rachel to the playground (there's nothing like being coerced into doing something you're not in the mood for when you're in a bad/sad mood), where heather, joyce, and i had lots of fun, while rachel was one the phone, and eventually wandered back home.

on the playground we swinged (swung?) and climbed trees like we were children. and then joyce and i picked up a guy (ps: hot) playing basketball like we were teen-agers. it was a real fun time.

swinging like ze children//trying to get joyce down from the tree - it took a while.

oh. and then there was the time when joyce, heather, and i tried to find hot wardies mingle with the ward at a soccer game. fail. again we hung out with ourselves. losers much? but you know, we had fun. and that's all that matters. and joyce got to show off her new do (the bangs), even though no one of importance saw it.

the losers. but cute bangs.

we (some of us) had a real swell rs president who actually tried to take care of us poor, friendless student teachers, and took us out to eat a couple of times (by "took us out" i don't mean paid for us. i mean, she was swell, but not rich).

i sometimes think of her, and how she, out of the kindness of her heart (mixed with the duty of her calling), reached out to us. she didn't have to do that. and i know i wouldn't have. but i would like to would have. you know. the more i think about her, the more i appreciate what she did, the time and effort she spent trying to get to know us and making us feel like we mattered. her name is sarah.

dessert at a really neat restaurant in arlington that i don't remember the name of.

one of my favorite things that we did in our apt was weekly sunday dinners. we would take turns cooking a special meal, and kept it going the entire time we were there. it worked out great, and brought us closer together. it was kind of a family ritual. and we all know (if you've ever watched the news or read studies. or listened to general conference) how important family meals are. sitting together, eating, talking. it was good. good for us.

and can i just say. that i made a kick-a meal the first time i did it. i had found some recipes in my fave magazine, glamour, and was dying to try it out. which i did, mighty successfully. who wouldn't want to marry me? (soul mates in dc, that's who.)

yams, delicious salad with crispy cheese, and yes, that is a soda can in the chicken's butt. the recipe called for it. and guess what? it worked. like a charm.

halloween came early in 2011. i love halloween. obviously (referring to pictures # 107, 98, 72, 44, 11, & 10 (oldest pic being #1). halloween isn't halloween without an awesome and time-consuming costume. it had been a couple of years since i was scary for halloween, so i went with the classic zombie.

all done up//the trick: glue on the face, covered by toilet paper and then make-up//sue sylvester, goth, stick out much? zombie, beauty with no costume, halloween? idk.

although very home-made, it did earn me shared first place in the costume contest at the ward party some of us attended. i only went to show off my costume somewhere. all that work and not any publicity. couldn't happen. it was, however, not the same, since i hardly new anyone there. not that anyone recognized me.

but we came, we carved, we danced, and we went home. and i won. did i mention that?

joyce carving her first pumpkin ever//1. this is what i shared 1st place with? 2. lamest present ever: a bag of apples and a bag of caramels and a bag of shredded coconut. to share. lame//in the groove heather and happy as a clown shalyn. 

and then took some creepy pictures on the way home. to make the costume worth it.

zombie in the bushes//zombie on the sidewalk// zombie in the foyer//zombie on the phone in the elevator.

the prince of sweden came to miner. i know what you're thinking. this guy, right? well, that's what we all thought. me, the principal, all the drooling females at miner. but no. it was this prince of sweden.

extremely slightly disappointing, but still a real live prince. that i got to meet. along with a bunch of black, american children (and adults) that really didn't get how big of a deal this was. but they were excited. and the red carpet of miner was rolled out for the prince. needless to say, it was a whole-day party.

swedish people trying to connect with the dc children//waiting for the prince//waiting to eat with the prince.

the prince answered many interesting questions from the kids//eating with prince daniel//this is not the prince, but the swedish minister for health and social affairs - göran hägglund. but can you blame the students for asking if they were brothers? they look almost exactly the same.

pippi longstocking and a swedish viking in a shakespeare-inspired costume?//my student was lucky enough to be the prince's guide for the day//meeting the prince. he was seriously so nice. 

the day after the prince came we had "museums" at school. and this quadriannual tradition is a big deal at miner. every classroom is transformed with a theme and games or various stations dedicated to the theme and some form of educational learning. it's quite extraordinary. and off-the-chain chaotic. 

some people went all out. spending countless hours collecting shoeboxes to build a pyramid outside the classroom. 

this took weeks. at least mucho days. and hours hours hours. kudos. 

[ pause. a shout-out to euseung. this guy. drove with him to school every day. very entertaining. and more importantly, so kind and caring. he drove my mom and i to the temple when she was there, and not only that, took an extra trip into dc so she could see the school. and to watch the way he cared about the children and how he cares about teaching is truly inspiring. he gets it. 

plus. he helped me so much with boy advice. when i say helped, i really mean gave me advice, which i may or may not have followed, and which may or may not have worked (both to both is true), and he listened to me rant about my boy frustrations. time and time again. 

so thanks for everything, euseung. ]

my class had equatorial guinea, which i now know still very little about. (except that it's the only spanish speaking country in africa. i think.)

kids waiting patiently at the carpet for some food//decorating station//african princesses teaching about their country (not really their country).

but we did have a cool cafe in our classroom with "equatorial guinean" food. it was a raging success. and lots of fun for the kids. who worked really hard. for once. what?

preparing to make mini-muffins//vacuuming the cafe/classroom//cooking//eating//head chef cleaning up.

time for another joyce and lene outing. this time. rainy. but still fun. it was joyce's birthday, and we went to the natural history museum. which was the place most visited by me during my time in dc. not because i loved it the most, but because it's easy, free, and entertaining.

i met my relatives//obligatory kissing picture with the dino?//joycita y lenita.

that night we went to the cheesecake factory for joyce's bday dinner. it was fun. girl's night out. we (i) even went wild and ordered a virgin mojito. an act that may or may not have led to flirtation with the waiter, which may or may not have led to me voluntarily being peer-pressured into leaving my number and what may or may not have been a proposal for the mentioned flirtatious waiter on the check, which may or may not have led to him texting me right after, which may or may not have led to a date with him the next day, which may or may not have led to an make-out session innocent kiss in his car, which may or may not have led to another date, which may or may not have led to another session kiss, which may or may not have ended that which had no purpose in the first place.

what? just kidding...but not really.

virgin mojitos//one of my favorite pictures of my darling, megan//all the girls.

the only field trip my class went on (that i got to be a part of) went to the folger shakespeare library. they had representatives come to our class to teach them about shakespeare and eventually train them in rehearsing and performing romeo and juliet at the library. this month, actually. i wonder how it went. anyway, here are some pictures of my black babies.

waiting x4//boom! you just got shakespeared by some 5th graders. best expression. about to sneeze?

shalyn's birthday soon followed. and it was celebrated at an amazing place, introduced to us, so very graciously, by none other than our fellow (but married) student teacher, the incredible ali spittler. thank you. the place is: good stuff eatery. they have the most delicious everything. go there. we did. and we ate a lot. as is evidenced by the mountain of trash we left behind on the table. (actually, we probably cleaned it up.)

posing w trash mountain//love megs//eating angrily? ps: joyce was totally there too.

and i especially loved it, because, hello: cows and 'goodness gracious'.

i do say this often//"please take a picture of me with the cow!"

[ pause. let me take this time to write a little something about a very dear friend of mine, who i have now known for about 2.5 years. mrs. ali spittler. mentioned above. in our elementary education program cohort at byu i didn't really connect with many of the other girls. don't misunderstand that - i liked them all. but there was ali. (and mindy. but she didn't go to dc, so she will not be mentioned here more than just this once.) we connected. and seriously, she is my idol. she's such a great person, and i think has barely any bad in her. (the average person has a lot.) i look up to her so, and value our friendship more than i think she can know.

i hoped so much that she and i would spend lots of time in dc together. because i expected to not get along with my room mates, i planned on spending most of my free time with ali (which i am sure her husband, brian, is really glad didn't happen). but we didn't do anything together. this makes me sad to this day.

fortunately, i was at the same school as she during student teaching (ali, euseung, shalyn & lene = the miner gang), so i saw her every day, and we had some great bonding moments over teaching. and ali is yet another example to me of a dedicated teacher. she really gives it her all, and works hard to make sure she is the best teacher she can be. i want to be more like her.

this is like the only picture i have of ali from dc. (tear.)

ali during museums. her classroom for off the hook.

so ali. thank you for who you are. and your friendship. ]




once a week we went to my absolute favorite fast food "restaurant" in the entire world - that's right - chick fil a. omg. another semester saver for me. a memorable trip was the friday we went there first, and then went and saw breaking dawn, and then went to serendipity, the place with deep fried oreo sundaes. hello heaven. (literally, because you die of heart disease.) it was a good night in dc.

joyce and heather at chick fil a.

and then came probably one of my most favorite days in dc. it was just a happy day. again spent with my sunshine, joyce. it was the day we went to the zoo. it was fall. but it was sunny. and such a peaceful day. we just walked. talked. and looked at the animals. once in a while i'll just have a happy day (wow. that sounds depressing. once in a while i'll have a happy day.), and there might not be a particularly spectacular (say that 10 times fast) thing that happens - i'm just happy.

so thank you, joycita.

lovely fall day.

it of course helped that this lion just stood there, perfectly in his mufasa-pose, for a long time, making it possible for me to take some awesome pictures. me, and this lion king enthusiast.

classic.

and there were beautiful, glowy things too.

then came thanksgiving. and another ward function. by this time i was sick and tired. and literally sick. i caught a cold and lost my voice for a weekend. that made it really fun trying to have a conversation with the "really interesting" girls (oh, did i mention our ward was 90% girls. ok. more like 2/3 girls (this is the truth)? no? well, it was. goody.) across the table. all i could do was whisper. so i doodled instead.

i seriously do love ze chocolate men//willkommen//dolph.

[ this requires a break. a break to tell about the theme movie of our time in dc. most of the phrases doodled here (except the one about ze chocolate men - that's my own) come from one of three movies i ever quote, just go with it (the others being mean girls and twilight, of course). after my good friend and former (but at the time, current) roomie, sarie and her then boyfriend (now husband) casey introduced me to this movie at the provo dollar theatre that summer, i was in love. this movie is beyond hilarious. so i bought it on the cross-country road trip. then i introduced it to my room mates in dc and the rest is history. if i say we watched this movie every 2-3 weeks i would not be exaggerating. and so, naturally, we quoted it all the time.

so, watch it. laugh. read what we doodled on the thanksgiving table. and laugh. ]

source




break over. back to thanksgiving. we (the ones who didn't go to new york, namely megan, heather, joyce, and myself) cooked a delicious and huge meal and vegged out basically all break. it was glorious.

behold. the feast.

i was in charge of the turkey. and boy, was i in charge of the turkey//dessert table - we had like 4 desserts//so much delicious food.

the dc temple was visited less frequently than i would have liked, but i did go a few times. and the last time i went, i went with shalyn. it was lovely. as the temple always is. but especially because it was with shaytard and because there were christmas lights there.

love this pic//posing in front of the beauty at night.

my last haircut was in december 2011 (it currently does not look good.) and got celebrated by shalyn's first time in a real club. we had fun. like models always do. (it was ok.)

i like short hair. but miss the long hair. so it's coming back. plus. we look so hot.

the last birthday celebrated was dear old megan's. and let me tell you about megan. she had some thug-a high school student she would tell the most hilarious and terrifying stories about. and she had the oddest mentor teacher that she would tell the most hilarious and terrifying stories about. it was entertaining. but i obviously sympathized with her fright at the time.

and more often than i would have expected (considering her frightful days at the high school), but not often enough, megan flung the door to our room open as she came home from school, music plugged in, dancing like a maniac. it was the best part of many of my days. especially the first time she did it.

she.can.move.

i have since read/heard that dancing makes people happy and have danced like megan (obviously not like megan - she's the master), just letting it all hang loose (bruno mars quote). carefree-all-bodyparts-moving dancing. very liberating. and perfect for happiness seekers like myself.

so, thank you megan. and happy birthday.

we went to nando's//fave self portrait of joyce (of course i did self-portraits at every restaurant meal)//photo bombing the self portrait//these poses are hilarious. i am so glad we did them.

megan is a creeper//and then she's not. no bday complete without gtcc.

although i did switch to a much calmer and organized classroom, it didn't always look like this: students sitting, quietly, paying attention, raising their hands, participating. oh no. this was a special occasion. visitors from the embassy of the democratic republic of the congo. still. look how cute they are.

engaged. notice the congo flag//jam packed.

our mentor teachers took us out to eat towards the very end of our time at miner, and we had a really nice time. i have tremendous respect for these teachers that dedicate their lives to teaching these inner city kids. they are difficult to deal with, and come from horrendous experiences, which makes them sometimes nearly impossible to teach, but, yet, these people find value in helping them learn and succeed.

true examples of teaching.

ali, lene, shalyn, ms moore, euseung, ms roman, mr sowho, ms jones.

then came our last day of student teaching.

oh.happy.day. i was lucky enough to be rewarded with a party by both 5th grade classes, dosed by cards and gifts. flowers and cake. even speeches.

it was very touching. had i not been extremely tired from having spent most of the night getting gifts/cards ready for each student and teacher, exhausted from 3.5 months of student teaching hell, and overly joyed it was over, i would have cried. thinking about it now makes me moved. seriously, the students were so sweet. and all the girls cried in the bathroom and then ran and suffocated me with hugs. they were so cute.

and i am extremely sad that i will most likely not see any of them ever again. i seriously loved them so. and still do.

some of the wonderful teachers i worked with//my last 5th grade//my first 5th grade//being hugged by beautiful children - nothing better (except student teaching being over).

that night we went to the obligatory celebratory dinner. but we were so exhausted. so it wasn't very memorable. except for the best chicago style deep dish pizza (in dc) at uno grill.

exhausted and overly tired=really good sense of humor//probably my fave self portrait ever//rachel and i looking rather tired?

i seem to be the last one to leave. always. (maybe i will dedicate a whole blog post to this traumatizing issue of mine, but maybe not.) and dc was no different. one by one everyone left. but i got some quality time with two special girls. heather. and megs. separately. together would have been even better.

heather i had known as long as ali, because we were in the same cohort. and i am so glad i lived with heather. she is a ball of fluffy dynamite. she's so funny and thinks many people and things are funny. including me. so obviously i automatically love her. she's a really good friend. and she'll happily help anyone in need. but what i love most about heather is her positive and optimistic attitude, no matter how hard things get.

i would call her heatheroo. and she would call me lene.

hanging w nemo and his friends at the natural history museum//and of course our monkey "ancestor" friend//a shot of heather and the monument one cold cold night we ventured out. 

just flying at the air and space museum//taking pics of ourself - hot and cold ones//outside at night before we went to a movie and dinner - best date ever.

and then last, but not least. christopher bradshaw graced me with his company and helped me out as i left (in shock over still being unmarried and - a whole separate issue - leaving the u.s.) in ways that few people would.

this man's friendship will be exemplified in a future post about true friends.

i love christopher.

mlk memorial//my friend.

(this is technically last, but christopher drove me to the airport a few days after he came to see me, so he's 'last, but not least') a few hours before i left i went to miner for the last time to say a final goodbye to my babies.

it was bittersweet.

eating christmas lunch//jorge smiling?//being cute, gorgeous and beautiful.

and there you have it. my dc experience. was it what i had hoped? no. am i glad i did it? yes. do i value it? absolutely.

thank you dc. i will be back.

after all, my soul mate it still there.