making promises.

i'm back. not from costa rica, though. and unlike toby, my return is welcome. by me, at least. 

my last post was just shy of four years ago. 

so i guess i can't call myself a blogger. but then again, i never did. 

i've thought about blogging. many times. but, like most of the things i think about doing, it remained just a thought. however, lately i've been feeling particularly depressed, so i'm finally attempting to take care of my mind. i always found writing therapeutic, and i want to challenge myself to be more open.

in the past i have been v open in this blog. desperately so. i belive in learning from the past, so i have no intention of deleting any posts, however different i feel now. because that is what i felt then, and it is valid. 

now i feel new things. and it is also valid. 

i will try to embrace my flaws and insecurities; dissect them; and learn from them.

first off, making promises. 

generally i try to not make promises i can't keep. to others. to myself, on the other hand, i don't extend the same courtesy. 

here are some promises i've made to myself recently, but not kept:

stop drinking soda

go through personal e-mails and respond

blog

read instead of watching tv

go one day without watching tv

exercise - use that damn gym membership i pay for

organize folders and personal papers

make a list of goals

use that moleskin calendar i bought myself for christmas

eat healthy food - a bowl of popcorn for dinner is not it 

start training for half-marathon

do yoga

find a hobby 

fix my bike

make a wish list

i make these promises to myself at night before i fall asleep; at work while planning what to do when i get home; in the shower; walking to the bus - both in the morning, and after work, when i am literally minutes from my house where i plan on doing these things; on the bus; sitting on my couch watching tv; doing the dishes; in fact, basically anywhere.  

every time i break my promise i feel like a failure. every time i choose watching tv (which is every time) over any of these things i feel like i betray myself. maybe i do. 

what i have learned from the internet is that i am not alone in feeling most of the feelings i have. and that is a comfort. i know from experience that if i am kind to myself i feel better. if i give myself a break and talk myself up rather than down, my everyday life gets easier. 

that's the thing about depression though. the heart wins over the mind. even though the mind knows. the heart acts against that knowledge. and against logic. 

does it matter if i don't do yoga? or organize those papers today? no. it doesn't. sure, doing some, or most of these things, are good, and i should get to them. but. 

the only promise i should make myself is: love yourself. 

so that is the challenge. that is my one and only goal. love myself. first step: don't make promises i can't, or don't intend to keep. and be as kind to myself as i would if someone else broke their promise to me, should i not keep the promises i do make. 

and hey. i can check off one of those things today. i blogged. 

kudos, lene. kudos.