we all live in a yellow submarine.

for some reason, whenever i think about myself living in norway, i think of this song. well, not the whole song. 

just: we all live in a yellow submarine.

i just read the lyrics, and they made me no wiser, and don't really convey the feelings i have when i think of the chorus. 

but to me it means:

living in a strange place, which you are familiar with, but where you don't quite belong. 

i have a confession. something that's not news to anyone who knows me. 

i am an american.

and that is where i belong - in america. but now i live in a yellow submarine. and although i ought to feel comfortable here, i can't seem to be completely happy. or myself. sometimes it's like i am betraying myself by living here. i'm not being true to who i am. 

this sounds dramatic, i know. and a bit extreme. but i swear to you, i am not exaggerating. if anything, i am sugarcoating it. these are some deeply rooted feelings that sometimes surface in conversation with other people about my life and my story; and in comments i might make about either country. but they are feelings that i am somewhat ashamed of. no, i'm not ashamed, but i feel like i should be. and so, i'm ashamed that i'm not ashamed.

because most (well, most norwegians) can never understand what it feels like to switch nationalities, without really having switched nationalities. so i am constantly being misunderstood. like i am just wanting to live in america cause it's cool or something. like if i wanted to, i could be just as happy, if not happier here. wrong.

they can't understand. 

i have nationalistic feelings and patriotic pride - only for the wrong country. 

it's not like i was born in the wrong country or anything. i wasn't. i wouldn't be me if i wasn't norwegian. but a norwegian is not who i've become. i've become an american. 

heart and soul.

so. what about now? where do i live? norway. do i have a visa to live in the u.s.? no. do i have an acceptance letter from a grad school in the u.s.? no. but will it work out? undoubtedly yes. i have great hopes for my future.

i wrote it best myself (so apparently i quote myself now..) in my journal on december 24, 2011:

what i fail to remember is that my life isn't over now. and i can't taste the sweet unless i taste the bitter first. and i also forget that bitter isn't always bad. it's just different. 

oh, lene, the wise. but seriously. i can't know and appreciate sweet unless i have experienced bitter. and right now. i'm living bitter. but it's ok. because grapefruits are bitter, but they don't taste bad. just different. and they're good for you.

and speaking of things i have written in my journal. just the day before the quoted wisdom, i also wrote something profound (at least pertaining to my situation):

i miss the u.s. so much. my life is there. i know life there. i know me there. i don't know me here. there is no me here. i think. i don't know. maybe the real me is here. i just have to find her. 

now, remember, this was 13 days from being exactly 6 months ago. i have lived here (norway) now, for 6 months. and i still haven't found me. i think i have found parts of me. but i know for sure that the statement above is truth. i know me in the u.s. and i don't know me here. because me here would be able to be both comfortable and happy here. and i can't do either. not completely.

i think the last i saw of the real me was the summer of 2010. something changed after that summer, and i got lost. like i said, i have found parts of me since, and i am starting to think that other parts of the former me are lost forever, and they are supposed to be lost, or gone. and i am supposed to find new parts of my new self. this i am excited for. it's the hunt that's tough.

conclusion? there is none. currently. other than i just have to endure. endure 6 more months (if i get into grad school starting january - fingers crossed) in this yellow submarine.