a little girl.

i am a little girl. 

in many ways. 

and it makes me uncomfortable.

it's a bubble i want to burst. 

i am a little girl amongst my friends and family, amongst americans, and amongst my co-workers. 

i guess i tend to give myself a label, and convince myself that i am/know less than i am/do, or am capable of. i don't give myself much credit. 

and that's where i got lost. when i started to view myself as inferior. how did i get here? gradually. but that's not the point. the point is i am coming back. and the first step is to realize that i am not

a little girl.

in many ways.

let me explain:

friends - 

in my youth, i was the youngest in my group of close friends. but we didn't notice. in college, i was usually the oldest in my group. and felt that way in terms of experiences and wisdom (man, i'm really into my wisdom lately. or maybe i've just become more enlightened and realized truth). but not so much anymore. i feel like they have surpassed me. the cause of this, i have gathered, is mostly because they're all freakin married. and if not married, have had some experiences that have just made them grow - like study abroad, living on their own, having a real, grown-up job. and the married ones have children too. that stuff ages you, man. yet, i have none of this. it feels like. so, when i think about my friends now, i feel like

a little girl.

family - 

my little brother is married. yup. he's younger than me, but he's married. and lived with his wife for 2+ years before they got married. and have been working, renting apartments, paying bills, raising a dog, providing, and being a grown-up for, what seems like years. (now, i might be giving him a little too much credit, because he makes mistakes, is, at times, irresponsible, and have some immature qualities too, but just go with it.) so, compared to him i feel like 

a little girl.

i didn't grow up with my dad, but am living with him now. in the basement. without a car. or the freedom to make whatever i want for dinner. (basically true) or freedom to be a grown-up. he hasn't seen that i have become an adult, having lived on my own (well, with room mates), and taken care of myself for the past 5 years. he treats me as...not an adult. so, naturally, i feel like 

a little girl.

my mother is the only one (in my immediate family) that doesn't make me feel like

a little girl.

americans - 

because most of my current, close friends are american, they also go under this category. because english isn't my native tongue, i often ask what words or expressions mean, and this makes me feel inferior. i'm not saying this is bad, because i believe in always learning new things, and i love learning. plus, i really appreciate learning from my friends. it's just that i feel like they (americans) know more than i do, in general. [ok, pause. obviously i recognize that there are plenty of dumb americans that i surpass by lightyears when it comes to wisdom and intelligence. i'm mostly referring to friends, and people similar to me that i encounter.] and i think because i have such a longing to truly belong to america, i look up to americans, making me 

a little girl. 

co-workers - 

the reason i started thinking about this a while ago was that i found out that most of my co-workers (at the grocery store, not the school (obviously)) are younger than i thought, and a lot younger than i. and, what's worse, they thought i was younger than what i am. my co-workers (except the ones that are like my parents age, or a couple that are in their thirties) range from about 16 to 21. which. isn't bad. per se. but, for some reason, i have this obsession with being older and wiser. and with age. i always want to act my age, or older. and it kinda offends me when people think i'm younger. however, i get along a little too well with these youngsters, which makes me

a little girl. 

now, being a little girl is not a negative thing. i want to always have a little girl inside. but i don't want to feel like a little girl in relation to other people. 

i'm not sure if any of this makes sense to anyone but me, but it still feels good giving my feelings a voice.

so. lately i have tried to act my age. not being intimidated by other people. not letting myself feel inferior. i guess this is all about self-esteem. and i am getting it back, or developing it further. it's going well. and i am glad. glad to be growing up from being

a little girl. 

ps: there is nothing anyone does to make me feel like this. it's all me. so, friends: don't feel bad. and don't change anything.