12/27/12
12/13/12
magical.
have you ever looked up at the sky, during snow, at night, beside a lamp post? well. that's what i did tonight. and this is my conclusion (and please note that i never thought i would say this):
the snow is magical.
i had had a somewhat roller-coaster of a day, and was waiting for the bus to go home. the snow was falling slowly, and i could see each individual snowflake. it was seriously magical. and of course it helped that i had some awesome music playing on the i-pod.
12/4/12
life.
much too frequently i either utter or think the phrase: i hate my life. sometimes, when pedaling through wind and rain on a much too full stomach running late for work, that phrase is even followed by: so so so so so much. and then a grunt.
in the recent past i realized that i cannot hate my life, when i have no life. because this phrase too exits my mouth/brain.
and it's true. i have nothing to show. nothing to tell. i don't have a present to live in. the times i live in are the past and the future. i swim in glorious memories of times past till my skin is wrinkled, and then i wrap myself in the towel of the future - so warm, cozy; full of love, joy, and life; with promises of dreams and longings fulfilled.
sometime during 2009/2010, i would often say, quite loudly actually, if i remember correctly, the single word: life. followed by, not a grunt, but a sigh. one of those given-up-on-life sighs. my beautiful (inside and out) room mate, amy, would, rather justified, be disgruntled by my not-so-subtle outbursts of negativity, and asked me kindly (probably not kindly. but the way parents authoritatively, yet lovingly demand.) to stop this. so i decided to use the word socks instead. which didn't have the same effect on me. and then life got better.
ironically, most of my socks are currently falling apart.
i live in a cave. that started out as a room my dad had redone completely before i moved in. new floors. white walls. new bedding. i created the cave. in the cave i want to do nothing. and nothing is what i do. i sit there. on my bed. eating candy. yes, candy. almost every single day. watching tv shows on my computer. keeping track of all the shows i'm catching up on. right before the sand runs out i hurry and get ready for work (while watching tv of course), and rush there. and then back. into the cave. where i hide. from the world. and wallow. wallow in my nothingness.
i feel that i have come to a point where i can relate to the emos. and that, my friends, is where it ends. that is where i draw the line.
i keep telling myself i can't do anything. so i don't. but i can. so i need to. desperately need to.
2012 has been the worst year of my life. and i say that with certainty. even though it's not even over yet. having said that, i've had a pretty good life. compared to the majority of the world.
i am determined to, inasmuch as i can control it, keep 2012 as my worst year.
and as i am writing this, i seem to remember writing something similar after 2011. but it got worse. so. there's only one thing to do: break the cycle.
there.
i just needed to get those rambles out. let the phoenix burn ya know. time to rise, and to morph into another creature. like a cow. i like cows. and no. i'm not high. nor do i have adhd.
bye.
in the recent past i realized that i cannot hate my life, when i have no life. because this phrase too exits my mouth/brain.
and it's true. i have nothing to show. nothing to tell. i don't have a present to live in. the times i live in are the past and the future. i swim in glorious memories of times past till my skin is wrinkled, and then i wrap myself in the towel of the future - so warm, cozy; full of love, joy, and life; with promises of dreams and longings fulfilled.
sometime during 2009/2010, i would often say, quite loudly actually, if i remember correctly, the single word: life. followed by, not a grunt, but a sigh. one of those given-up-on-life sighs. my beautiful (inside and out) room mate, amy, would, rather justified, be disgruntled by my not-so-subtle outbursts of negativity, and asked me kindly (probably not kindly. but the way parents authoritatively, yet lovingly demand.) to stop this. so i decided to use the word socks instead. which didn't have the same effect on me. and then life got better.
ironically, most of my socks are currently falling apart.
i live in a cave. that started out as a room my dad had redone completely before i moved in. new floors. white walls. new bedding. i created the cave. in the cave i want to do nothing. and nothing is what i do. i sit there. on my bed. eating candy. yes, candy. almost every single day. watching tv shows on my computer. keeping track of all the shows i'm catching up on. right before the sand runs out i hurry and get ready for work (while watching tv of course), and rush there. and then back. into the cave. where i hide. from the world. and wallow. wallow in my nothingness.
i feel that i have come to a point where i can relate to the emos. and that, my friends, is where it ends. that is where i draw the line.
i keep telling myself i can't do anything. so i don't. but i can. so i need to. desperately need to.
2012 has been the worst year of my life. and i say that with certainty. even though it's not even over yet. having said that, i've had a pretty good life. compared to the majority of the world.
i am determined to, inasmuch as i can control it, keep 2012 as my worst year.
and as i am writing this, i seem to remember writing something similar after 2011. but it got worse. so. there's only one thing to do: break the cycle.
there.
i just needed to get those rambles out. let the phoenix burn ya know. time to rise, and to morph into another creature. like a cow. i like cows. and no. i'm not high. nor do i have adhd.
bye.
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