i'll be that girl.

i'm very ok with being that ugly girl who you are surprised landed such a handsome husband. as long as it will get me a handsome husband.




and yes. i know this is the only thing i blog about. but that's cause it's basically the only thing i think about. which is exactly why i haven't landed myself any husband. i welcome suggestions for other things to obsess over.

lately.

as in like the last 36 hours. ok. a little longer. yes. this is one of those posts. that i never said i would never do. but still. never imagined i would do. at this point in my life. really because my life is the worst. truly. the worst it has ever been. [drama queen much?] but. i figured that maybe if i list some things that has happened lately, i would appreciate my life instead of loathing it.

•hung out w brother and sister-in-law. and ate delicious food. (they're both chefs)
•played with two beautiful dalmatians. one of them being my 'nephew', gordon.
•went to a bday party for my 30-year old filipino male friend. wow. that surely sounded  
  extremely weird.
•saw some old friends. reminisced (a favorite past-time of mine).
•saw a male filipino butt. not my friend's.
•touched my best friend's 4 month pregnant belly. (she is the aforementioned
  birthdayman's sister).
•had a nice long chat with another old friend. like an adult conversation. (no. not about sex)
  we've never done that before. it was refreshing.
•watched about a million episodes of the office. second time around. love it. too much.
•substitute taught for the first time since june.
•had about 25 7th graders chanting my name in the hallway. it was bizarrely satisfying.
•entertained several relief society sisters with a skit about visiting teaching. not a tough
  crowd to please.
•cried myself to sleep over lack of any romance in my life. for the 1400th time this year.
•asked a man out on a date. yes. a real, live man. but not in real life. it's complicated. maybe
  i'll share the story if it turns out to be a semi-success. [high hopes much?]
•watched slumdog millionaire. again. what.a.life-changing.movie. seriously.
•went for a 1 hr & 40 min walk in the freezing, windy, and snowy march weather.
•saw two deer jump and run into and across the road right.in.front.of.me. had i been
  jogging/running i could have been killed. but since i wasn't it was an awesome experience.
•realized that i'll be ok. someday. in the future. maybe.

about love.

there is this song. that perfectly describes my feelings about love. i have mentioned india.arie before. and she puts it just right in 'ready for love':

i am ready for love

why are you hiding from me

i'd quickly give my freedom

to be held in your captivity

i am ready for love

all of the joy and the pain

and all the time that it takes

just to stay in your good grace

lately i've been thinking

maybe you're not ready for me

may you think i need to learn maturity

they say watch what you ask for

cause you might receive

but if you ask me tomorrow

i'll say the same thing

i am ready for love

would you please lend me your ear

i promise i won't complain

i just need you to acknowledge i am here

if you give me half a chance

i'll prove this to you

i will be patient, kind, faithful, and true

to a man who loves music

a man who loves art

respects the spirit world

and thinks with his heart

i am ready for love

if you'll take me in your hands

i will learn what you teach

and do the best that i can

i am ready for love

here with an offering of

my voice

my eyes

my soul

my mind

tell me what is enough

to prove i am ready for love

i am ready

and i am. always have been, really. but now, truly ready. i experienced a tiny breaking of my heart earlier this evening. my soul hurt. from loneliness and longing.

lately i have been craving companionship. of any kind, really. but mostly the romantic kind. the forever kind. i dream of someone to cry with. someone who will laugh at my awesome moves when i dancercise. someone to cook for. someone to go grocery shopping with. someone who wants to hear my stories from when i was an exchange student. someone who will look at me from across the room and be proud to be mine.

i yearn for a pair of strong man-hands to grab my waist; someone to pull me close, and kiss me tenderly. just because he loves me so.

i long for a partner. someone to share with. someone to learn from. to teach. someone to grow with. someone to love.

i can't decide if i want to be loved, or to love, the most. maybe it's equal. or maybe i want one more than the other some days.

this desire can't be quenched. nor should it. i have concluded that the deep-seeded need to share of your whole self with someone - intimately - is god-given. and it's real. we're not meant to be alone. [genesis 2:18]

i am not meant to be alone.

i am ready for love. why are you hiding from me?

the grandest question of life.

all i want is a great-looking husband to make babies with. is that really too much to ask?

is it?

iiiiiis it?

++

'wretch!' i said. 'it is well that you come here to whine over the desolation that you have made. you throw a torch into a pile of buildings, and when they are consumed, you sit among the ruins and lament the fall. hypocritical fiend! 

from mary shelley's frankenstein. 

be the change.

it is most definitely not a secret that i hate norway. [please don't focus too much on the word 'hate'. i use it like i would with meg ryan and kylie minogue's can't get you out of my head.] but i do not feel like i belong here in norway, and i surely cannot connect with norwegians.

lately i have felt this disconnect extra strongly, and it has put me in a somber mood. and i've felt a little hopeless. so there's that.

on with the point.

we all know the famous quote by the great gandhi - be the change you want to see in the world.

well, i had a personal epiphany the other day. these words just came into my mind, very clearly:

be the american you want to see in norway. 

so. that's what i'm trying to do. if i don't feel like myself (like the american i am), i better start acting like one. so that day i loudly said goodbye to the bus driver as i walked off the bus. and have been trying to do so ever since. and i smiled at strangers. my next challenge: compliment strangers.

i shall keep you updated on this american in norway formerly known as lene.

decisions.

my two best decisions of this week:

1. buying oranges. they were especially juicy and sweet, and it's been a delight to eat them. 
2. writing to-do lists, and planning my days thoroughly. when i write down that 'i will do this and that in this order as soon as i get home', instead of just thinking it in my head, i actually do it. and only (mostly) it. i don't check facebook first, or watch an episode of the office. this might not be a revolutionary thought to most of you, and it really isn't one to me either, but, for some reason, it hit home this week, as i actually tried it out, and noticed that i got up early, and i did go running. and i emailed those people, and i payed that bill. there's still a lot i feel like i am behind on, but let's all hope i get there, and continue on this to-do list path. 

source.

ze future.

my future has never been this unclear.

in my entire life.

and that's scary. 

where will i be in a year from now? i don't know. i don't even know where i'll be in 6 months.

this is something i wrote sometime last fall. i feel better about the future now, but the statements above still holds true. 

dreams.

i have a dream. to become this perfect [in my head] woman. in various areas of life. and i have made countless efforts to make this dream come true. and i have failed every time.

this would get a person down, right? right. but. then i read a talk by elder jeffrey r. holland, and in it this beautiful sentence jumped out and burrowed itself in my heart.

there is no dream that in the unfolding of time and eternity cannot yet be realized. 

no dream. that cannot yet be realized.

lately i have been pondering these dreams/goals/hopes of mine, and it hit me. i always keep trying to make this dream woman come to life. and i will probably never quit trying. and that's the point of life, isn't it? to keep trying.

i do believe that i can achieve my dreams. someday. and that's ok. i can wait. in the meantime i will keep trying.

++

i want to be a slow-burn-sort-of-beautiful. a second-glance-kind-of-pretty. i want the kind of beauty that unravels with time and a little patience.

meg fee