disconnected. kinda.

i did it. i deactivated my facebook page.

this is something that i said i would never do, and secretly (but not really) ridiculed people who did.

i was never convinced by the phrase 'never say never' - especially when sleezy guys would said it after i rejected them - but i have realized that i too, can change my mind. for the first time, this phrase is sinking in, and i am letting it. i guess i used to think there was something ungodly by saying it (do not ask why, because i have no idea where i get this stuff from), but i'm learning that it's ok to go back on your word. it's ok to feel that facebook is an integral part of your social life, and to be slightly obsessed with putting pictures of everything you do there. but it is also ok say: no. i'm done. facebook is slowly but surely draining the happiness from my life, and i need a break.

so there. i did it.

and...i'm a little sad about it. it does feel empty.

the days leading up to the deactivation, when it became a reality (because i publicly announced it was happening), i was looking forward to it with glee, becoming more and more sure every time i scrolled down the news feed. the moment the deed was done i felt a great sense of relief.

but then. i got sad. i love my friends and family, and i love seeing their pictures, and sharing links etc. with them. and i like being able to check in on the people i don't talk to very often. i also appreciate the convenient outlet that facebook is to update everyone on my own life.

am i excluding myself from the life of my family and friends?

this facebook break is something i have thought about for months. and i was planning on starting it at the beginning of the summer, but kept putting it off for various reasons (i need to wait until after my birthday, i need to put the pictures from india up before i leave). however, when i saw this video on buzzfeed, i knew it was time.

and although it's a little sad, i know it is the right thing for me to do right now.

my reasons, in list form:


wasting too much time on fb
fear of fb addiction (but not really...i was never that bad)
fed up with being bombarded with everyone's political opinions
overwhelmed by the unnecessary, boring, and, quite frankly, shockingly personal things people post
scrolling down and seeing everyone's happy lives and accomplishments fed my insecurities and unhappiness
feeling a need to disconnect and experience real life, as opposed to a virtual one

there you have it. i'm glad i did it. and, look! i'm already blogging! this is good.

i'm not trying to disappear or hide. i'm still going to be active on social media, such as twitter and instagram. but facebook was not working for me, so i did something about it. and i'm glad. i feel free.

ok.

peace out. for now.

smile.

we don't need science to tell us that when we smile we're happy. being a person will tell us that. so why don't i do it more often? one could argue that it's because i'm not happy. well. don't i want to be happy?

fake it till you make it.

how true is that. really. i think that if we would fake it for a little longer than we usually do, it will work. if we just keep smiling. even though it seems like the hardest thing we'll ever do - nearly impossible.

my bro is a perfect example of a fake smiler. 

turns out. so am i. 

remember when i wanted to be the american i want to see in norway? well, smiling is a part of this. i have made an effort the last few weeks to smile more.

it's fake at first. i have nothing to smile about, i think. but. then i remember that a smile can mean so much to someone, because it has literally turned my day around multiple times. so, i figure, what if my fake smile can make someone's day. so i do it. i make it a point to do it to everyone i pass, and everyone i see, and everyone i talk to. and, what do you know, before i know it, the smile is real. super real. and i almost want to laugh. laugh at the poor norwegian who just experienced a smiling twenty-something whizzing past them on her bike.

was she smiling at me?
i sure was!

and, pronto. my day is better. and, slowly, but surely, my life is better.

so, let's smile more. pay it forward. [which, side note, a little boy died trying to teach us.]

oh. just smiling w some of my favorite people.

and because this didn't make it in the collage i'll put it here. also. it shows how smiling and love go together. : )

welcome to my brain.

i hereby invite you to my mind.
to take part of its workings.
and benefit from its wisdom.

in the near or far future, with regular or irregular intervals [read: whenever i feel like it] i will elaborate on one of the stickies from my 'door of infinite wisdom'.

to this door i stick words/phrases/cheers that i desire to live by. one could call them mottos. whether or not i  follow each to perfection is not relevant. what matters is that i want to.

so. grab a notebook. (or sticky pad) or don't.
i will share my thoughts and experiences regardless.

beautiful people exist.

i was perusing this photography blog, and came across this post. 

and my heart skipped a tiny beat. because really attractive men people evoke this reaction in me. 

source

source

i mean. look at him. what a gorgeous human specimen. and he's real. he's a real, live person who exists on this earth. 

my mind is blown. 

grad school. aah.

help. i'm awaiting either rejection or acceptance from the following grads schools - ranked by most-want-to-go-there to least-want-to-go-there:

american university (dc)
university of north carolina wilmington
north carolina state university (raleigh)
university of massachusetts boston

the wait is excruciating. and i live in constant fear of being stuck in norway for 6 more months (or longer).

it's time, people. time for me to grow up, and continue with my life. it's been a nice (and extremely challenging) little break living here in norway for the past 1.5 year. but it's time.

so one of these places could be my home for the next (at least) two years:

source • source • source • source • source

source • source • source • source

source • source • source • source • source

source • source • source • source

and now that i've found these picture, i want to live in all these places. so i guess i'll be happy wherever i get in.

wish me luck.

repeat.

sometimes i buy songs. and then obsess over them. clocking 100+ listens in 2 days. it's great. these are my latest obsessions. for your listening pleasure.

and this one. which i could not find on grooveshark.

and i just realized they're all by women. rare for me. but seriously so beautiful. right??

dreams 2.0.

i love dreams. night dreams, day dreams, life dreams/future dreams. dreams bring hope, and sometimes that's all you live on - the hope.

i usually (basically every night) have vivid dreams, that are very intricate and elaborate. and non-sensical. and i usually remember them fairly well. this makes sleeping fun. and today i slept in. a lot.

i dreamt that i was on a large group date - it's like it kept growing, from like 6 couples to 30. anywho, my date was this really attractive guy, not unlike this actor from dollhouse, which i've been watching nonstop lately. at first, he didn't seem very interested in me. i had to make all the effort, and go over to him, while he was talking to another couple. but he was nice, and polite - just didn't initiate any conversation. fast forward to the pool-part of the date. idk. all of a sudden there was a huge line outside this pool, and that's where we all were supposed to be for the next little while. i tried to get my date to go with me, but he lingered, talking to someone else. and then, after i had removed my shorts and shirt, and was left standing in my bathing suit - a one-piece, mind you, giving plenty coverage, maroon, in fact - he all of a sudden showed interest. for, in my dream, i had a rockin bod. but he wasn't creepy. just really romantic and sweet. we were just sitting by the pool, real close, talking. and then i started to notice a bunch of paparazzi, equipped with heavy duty cameras etc. they were all over, taking pictures of the myriads of couples in the pool. then i saw the videocameras as well. and as my date and i were talking about kissing, or how we wanted to kiss each other, he kissed me. not a long kiss, but a private one. like a secret kiss. in a good way. he told me that he didn't want to kiss me when the cameras were watching, because he had been a contestant on survivor that summer, and didn't want any more attention from the media. although all signs pointed to us being a part of a weird dating show. so he had snuck a kiss in as they were not looking. and he told me we'd kiss more later, when we were alone. [can you blame me for sleeping in??] well, it never got to that point, because all of a sudden i was in a wheel chair, taking the train back and forth between two places. and when the train one day didn't go further than a certain stop, i had to find a bus to take me all the way, and i had to haul all of my stuff (the reason i had taken the train was because i had so much stuff, and didn't have to carry it myself) on my wheel chair, and try to find a bus stop in the middle of nowhere. and now, that i am typing this, i remember that i was on a large (like huuuuge) cruise ship. but i think that was before the date, and it's where the date took place. and, somehow, all of this was connected. i think i was on my way to the guy when i was on the train. or something. i was definitely thinking about him.

that's it. fun read, right? fun for me anyway.

my point is this: sometimes your dreams are better than your actual life, and all you want to do is sleep, and dream, and pretend that you are living your dreams. right now i'm trying really hard to force myself out of my dreams, into my real life, in order to do something that will actually make my dreams come true. but, boy, all i want to do is sleep in. all the time.

living on the hope of your dreams can be motivating and constructive, but it can also be destructive if taken too far.

i wrote this once: i don't have a present to live in. the times i live in are the past and the future. i swim in glorious memories of times past till my skin is wrinkled, and then i wrap myself in the towel of the future - so warm, cozy; full of love, joy, and life; with promises of dreams and longings fulfilled.

i think it's important to live in the present. not just pretend to live there. and that's what i'm working on.

but sometimes i'm allowed to sleep in so that i can go on a 30-couple group date, right?

i'll be that girl.

i'm very ok with being that ugly girl who you are surprised landed such a handsome husband. as long as it will get me a handsome husband.




and yes. i know this is the only thing i blog about. but that's cause it's basically the only thing i think about. which is exactly why i haven't landed myself any husband. i welcome suggestions for other things to obsess over.

lately.

as in like the last 36 hours. ok. a little longer. yes. this is one of those posts. that i never said i would never do. but still. never imagined i would do. at this point in my life. really because my life is the worst. truly. the worst it has ever been. [drama queen much?] but. i figured that maybe if i list some things that has happened lately, i would appreciate my life instead of loathing it.

•hung out w brother and sister-in-law. and ate delicious food. (they're both chefs)
•played with two beautiful dalmatians. one of them being my 'nephew', gordon.
•went to a bday party for my 30-year old filipino male friend. wow. that surely sounded  
  extremely weird.
•saw some old friends. reminisced (a favorite past-time of mine).
•saw a male filipino butt. not my friend's.
•touched my best friend's 4 month pregnant belly. (she is the aforementioned
  birthdayman's sister).
•had a nice long chat with another old friend. like an adult conversation. (no. not about sex)
  we've never done that before. it was refreshing.
•watched about a million episodes of the office. second time around. love it. too much.
•substitute taught for the first time since june.
•had about 25 7th graders chanting my name in the hallway. it was bizarrely satisfying.
•entertained several relief society sisters with a skit about visiting teaching. not a tough
  crowd to please.
•cried myself to sleep over lack of any romance in my life. for the 1400th time this year.
•asked a man out on a date. yes. a real, live man. but not in real life. it's complicated. maybe
  i'll share the story if it turns out to be a semi-success. [high hopes much?]
•watched slumdog millionaire. again. what.a.life-changing.movie. seriously.
•went for a 1 hr & 40 min walk in the freezing, windy, and snowy march weather.
•saw two deer jump and run into and across the road right.in.front.of.me. had i been
  jogging/running i could have been killed. but since i wasn't it was an awesome experience.
•realized that i'll be ok. someday. in the future. maybe.

about love.

there is this song. that perfectly describes my feelings about love. i have mentioned india.arie before. and she puts it just right in 'ready for love':

i am ready for love

why are you hiding from me

i'd quickly give my freedom

to be held in your captivity

i am ready for love

all of the joy and the pain

and all the time that it takes

just to stay in your good grace

lately i've been thinking

maybe you're not ready for me

may you think i need to learn maturity

they say watch what you ask for

cause you might receive

but if you ask me tomorrow

i'll say the same thing

i am ready for love

would you please lend me your ear

i promise i won't complain

i just need you to acknowledge i am here

if you give me half a chance

i'll prove this to you

i will be patient, kind, faithful, and true

to a man who loves music

a man who loves art

respects the spirit world

and thinks with his heart

i am ready for love

if you'll take me in your hands

i will learn what you teach

and do the best that i can

i am ready for love

here with an offering of

my voice

my eyes

my soul

my mind

tell me what is enough

to prove i am ready for love

i am ready

and i am. always have been, really. but now, truly ready. i experienced a tiny breaking of my heart earlier this evening. my soul hurt. from loneliness and longing.

lately i have been craving companionship. of any kind, really. but mostly the romantic kind. the forever kind. i dream of someone to cry with. someone who will laugh at my awesome moves when i dancercise. someone to cook for. someone to go grocery shopping with. someone who wants to hear my stories from when i was an exchange student. someone who will look at me from across the room and be proud to be mine.

i yearn for a pair of strong man-hands to grab my waist; someone to pull me close, and kiss me tenderly. just because he loves me so.

i long for a partner. someone to share with. someone to learn from. to teach. someone to grow with. someone to love.

i can't decide if i want to be loved, or to love, the most. maybe it's equal. or maybe i want one more than the other some days.

this desire can't be quenched. nor should it. i have concluded that the deep-seeded need to share of your whole self with someone - intimately - is god-given. and it's real. we're not meant to be alone. [genesis 2:18]

i am not meant to be alone.

i am ready for love. why are you hiding from me?