jealous joy.

the feeling of reading your friends' blogs, and being so excited about their lives/adventures/accomplishments/happiness because you love them so much, but kicking that feeling's behind is the jealousy of their lives/adventures/accomplishments/happiness is all happening inside of my body right now. and i want to cry a little.

because here is the truth: i am embarrassed of my life. and i kinda just realized it. 

and i always write these have-pity-on-me posts, so i vow to not make this one of them. please don't feel sorry for me. 

but i think that i avoid blogging, and talking about my life with people because, quite frankly, i am ashamed. dramatic, but true. i never ever ever thought that i would be one of those people that i currently am. 

i take the bus to work, and sometimes (at certain hours of the day) it is filled with high schoolers going to school. and i look at them and think: oh, you are so young. and insecure. i am so much older, and have so much more life experience. 

because people usually think i'm younger than i am, i think that if these youths only knew i was almost 27, they would look up to me and think i'm cool. (logically.) but my wise brain, who pops in now and again, said: no, lene. they would not think you are cool. because you are 27 years old (have i written about my birthday philosophy before? i think not. it will come. in fact, i am creating a blog topic reminder list right now, so i'll remember to write about it.), and taking the bus to your job at the grocery store. i doubt that is what they want to be doing at 27. oh, and remember how you live at home? 

touchè, wise brain. touchè. 

sigh. 

moving on. 

i moved to norway dead set on finding myself. again. i've done this dance before, but somehow thought it would be different this time. and actually, it has been. but i'm not done. and i don't think i'll ever be done. there are so many things i want to be. too many, maybe. but when are we ever done learning? when am i ever done growing? never. so i feel better about my life after that conclusion. i am just growing in other areas than i thought i would be. like trying to be happy despite miserable circumstances. it's been a tough one, but i am finally sensing a breakthrough. 

oh boy, this is a long post. feel free to take a bathroom break. or turn off your computer. i'm just gonna keep on writing. 

last night i had an unexplainable dream. i know because i tried to explain it to my stepmother, and couldn't. that's how i feel a lot of the time. like i can't explain myself very well. which leads to these scattered posts that i don't know where i'm going with. 

well, what i want is hope, and that's where this post should go. to hope. hope in the future. 

ladies, and gentlemen. for the first time, i am ready to reveal my plans for the future. and i pray that saying them out loud (in writing) will not make them go 'poof'. 

if all falls into place, i will be working and living in norway through june. then spend july volunteering in africa with my friend, carrie. august in utah, packing up my storage and moving to whatever grad school will accept me. 

another sigh.

there's a little devil on my shoulder that looks like me, telling me these things could never happen. and the angel on the other is MIA. but, here's to hope.

there is one more thing (that i can, at this very moment, think of) i want to write about before i forget. i recently shared this analogy in church, and found it so profound that i thought i'd share it with the world (oh, the angel is back.)

the fall of 2010 marked the time where i entered the longest and darkest tunnel of my life. when you are going through a dark tunnel, you cannot see anything or anyone. you can only focus on yourself moving forward, through the tunnel, towards the light you so desperately want to believe is at the end. well, my good folks. i am out of the tunnel. i think maybe it happened around christmas time. (it's a christmas miracle!) and being out of the tunnel, i now have the magic ability to turn on the lights in the tunnel. this enables me to see not only everything that has happened since fall of '10 in the light, but also all the other people walking in the dark tunnel.  now that i am surrounded by light, i can focus on them too - not just me. end of tunnel analogy. here's to hope.

this needs to be the end of post also. i have more to say, but it will fit in other posts. some of which i will write right after i post this post.

thanks for making it to the end, dear friends. or myself, as i re-read this post however long (or short) from now. remember how i wanted to cry at the beginning of this post? well, now i'm smiling.

look. i did it.