making promises.

i'm back. not from costa rica, though. and unlike toby, my return is welcome. by me, at least. 

my last post was just shy of four years ago. 

so i guess i can't call myself a blogger. but then again, i never did. 

i've thought about blogging. many times. but, like most of the things i think about doing, it remained just a thought. however, lately i've been feeling particularly depressed, so i'm finally attempting to take care of my mind. i always found writing therapeutic, and i want to challenge myself to be more open.

in the past i have been v open in this blog. desperately so. i belive in learning from the past, so i have no intention of deleting any posts, however different i feel now. because that is what i felt then, and it is valid. 

now i feel new things. and it is also valid. 

i will try to embrace my flaws and insecurities; dissect them; and learn from them.

first off, making promises. 

generally i try to not make promises i can't keep. to others. to myself, on the other hand, i don't extend the same courtesy. 

here are some promises i've made to myself recently, but not kept:

stop drinking soda

go through personal e-mails and respond

blog

read instead of watching tv

go one day without watching tv

exercise - use that damn gym membership i pay for

organize folders and personal papers

make a list of goals

use that moleskin calendar i bought myself for christmas

eat healthy food - a bowl of popcorn for dinner is not it 

start training for half-marathon

do yoga

find a hobby 

fix my bike

make a wish list

i make these promises to myself at night before i fall asleep; at work while planning what to do when i get home; in the shower; walking to the bus - both in the morning, and after work, when i am literally minutes from my house where i plan on doing these things; on the bus; sitting on my couch watching tv; doing the dishes; in fact, basically anywhere.  

every time i break my promise i feel like a failure. every time i choose watching tv (which is every time) over any of these things i feel like i betray myself. maybe i do. 

what i have learned from the internet is that i am not alone in feeling most of the feelings i have. and that is a comfort. i know from experience that if i am kind to myself i feel better. if i give myself a break and talk myself up rather than down, my everyday life gets easier. 

that's the thing about depression though. the heart wins over the mind. even though the mind knows. the heart acts against that knowledge. and against logic. 

does it matter if i don't do yoga? or organize those papers today? no. it doesn't. sure, doing some, or most of these things, are good, and i should get to them. but. 

the only promise i should make myself is: love yourself. 

so that is the challenge. that is my one and only goal. love myself. first step: don't make promises i can't, or don't intend to keep. and be as kind to myself as i would if someone else broke their promise to me, should i not keep the promises i do make. 

and hey. i can check off one of those things today. i blogged. 

kudos, lene. kudos.

blog wordle.

so.

this is what i write about.





apparently i need something. a lot.

late night ramblings.

it's late.

and i'm up.

again.

i do this. i stay up late doing nothing. and then kinda ruin the next day because i sleep in. productiveness goes out the window.

but.

i'm on summer break.

however.

i've had far too many late nights and lazy days following.

so. i am making a list. of things i have to do tomorrow. to cross off.

i love lists. need to start using them again. in preparation for real life that begins in less than three weeks. what? no. that can't be. what happened to all my summer plans?

this just makes me sad. and disappointed.

again.

but.

life isn't over. this year isn't over. this month isn't over. and neither is this week.

i have this thing where i think that just because i am a certain way at the beginning of a school year i have to stay that way for the rest. well. i don't. i told myself at the beginning of this year that 2014 was going to be my year, and dammit, i will make sure that it will be (excuse my English...).

so.

ramblings.

that's what this blog is all about, and i kind of like it. i stayed up late mostly partly because i was catching up on some blog reading, which i haven't done in over a year. and, you know. my blog will never be like anyone else's. and that's ok. while i admire their photos and poetic musings, i have to be ok with who i am on this blog.

which will always be lene - the girl who sometimes takes good pictures, and sometimes steal someone else's (ok, how do you even spell that? elses' elses else's??) - with the proper credit due. lene - the girl who is sad a lot of the time, and tries to therapeutically write her feelings down. lene - the girl who tries to open up more and be more vulnerable, and sometimes shares something embarrassing about herself. lene - the girl who does try to make a more interesting blog, but realizes she needs to go out and experience something in order to have something interesting to write about.

guess what? tomorrow i am getting eyelash extensions. by someone who's still in training. so. it could be a disaster. i am also walking/playing w mochi, the little french bulldog puppy i see for an hour every day. and i need to find a mechanic to fix my car. because it needs fixing in order to be legal. oh, and i need insurance and an american drivers license too. and to clean the bathroom. i also have a pile of papers and various documents that needs organizing, a budget to create, clothes to mend, crafts to finish, museums to visit, personal training sessions to cash in on, christmas (2013) presents to ship, books to read, friends to hang out with, weeds to pull, a hot tub to drain, clean, and refill, and probably one million more things.

but. i'd rather watch netflix in bed.

however, i will not do that. not tomorrow. and hopefully not the next day either.

ok.

this was sufficiently theraputic.

bye.








ps. i also need a man.

what else is new?

disconnected. kinda.

i did it. i deactivated my facebook page.

this is something that i said i would never do, and secretly (but not really) ridiculed people who did.

i was never convinced by the phrase 'never say never' - especially when sleezy guys would said it after i rejected them - but i have realized that i too, can change my mind. for the first time, this phrase is sinking in, and i am letting it. i guess i used to think there was something ungodly by saying it (do not ask why, because i have no idea where i get this stuff from), but i'm learning that it's ok to go back on your word. it's ok to feel that facebook is an integral part of your social life, and to be slightly obsessed with putting pictures of everything you do there. but it is also ok say: no. i'm done. facebook is slowly but surely draining the happiness from my life, and i need a break.

so there. i did it.

and...i'm a little sad about it. it does feel empty.

the days leading up to the deactivation, when it became a reality (because i publicly announced it was happening), i was looking forward to it with glee, becoming more and more sure every time i scrolled down the news feed. the moment the deed was done i felt a great sense of relief.

but then. i got sad. i love my friends and family, and i love seeing their pictures, and sharing links etc. with them. and i like being able to check in on the people i don't talk to very often. i also appreciate the convenient outlet that facebook is to update everyone on my own life.

am i excluding myself from the life of my family and friends?

this facebook break is something i have thought about for months. and i was planning on starting it at the beginning of the summer, but kept putting it off for various reasons (i need to wait until after my birthday, i need to put the pictures from india up before i leave). however, when i saw this video on buzzfeed, i knew it was time.

and although it's a little sad, i know it is the right thing for me to do right now.

my reasons, in list form:


wasting too much time on fb
fear of fb addiction (but not really...i was never that bad)
fed up with being bombarded with everyone's political opinions
overwhelmed by the unnecessary, boring, and, quite frankly, shockingly personal things people post
scrolling down and seeing everyone's happy lives and accomplishments fed my insecurities and unhappiness
feeling a need to disconnect and experience real life, as opposed to a virtual one

there you have it. i'm glad i did it. and, look! i'm already blogging! this is good.

i'm not trying to disappear or hide. i'm still going to be active on social media, such as twitter and instagram. but facebook was not working for me, so i did something about it. and i'm glad. i feel free.

ok.

peace out. for now.

smile.

we don't need science to tell us that when we smile we're happy. being a person will tell us that. so why don't i do it more often? one could argue that it's because i'm not happy. well. don't i want to be happy?

fake it till you make it.

how true is that. really. i think that if we would fake it for a little longer than we usually do, it will work. if we just keep smiling. even though it seems like the hardest thing we'll ever do - nearly impossible.

my bro is a perfect example of a fake smiler. 

turns out. so am i. 

remember when i wanted to be the american i want to see in norway? well, smiling is a part of this. i have made an effort the last few weeks to smile more.

it's fake at first. i have nothing to smile about, i think. but. then i remember that a smile can mean so much to someone, because it has literally turned my day around multiple times. so, i figure, what if my fake smile can make someone's day. so i do it. i make it a point to do it to everyone i pass, and everyone i see, and everyone i talk to. and, what do you know, before i know it, the smile is real. super real. and i almost want to laugh. laugh at the poor norwegian who just experienced a smiling twenty-something whizzing past them on her bike.

was she smiling at me?
i sure was!

and, pronto. my day is better. and, slowly, but surely, my life is better.

so, let's smile more. pay it forward. [which, side note, a little boy died trying to teach us.]

oh. just smiling w some of my favorite people.

and because this didn't make it in the collage i'll put it here. also. it shows how smiling and love go together. : )

welcome to my brain.

i hereby invite you to my mind.
to take part of its workings.
and benefit from its wisdom.

in the near or far future, with regular or irregular intervals [read: whenever i feel like it] i will elaborate on one of the stickies from my 'door of infinite wisdom'.

to this door i stick words/phrases/cheers that i desire to live by. one could call them mottos. whether or not i  follow each to perfection is not relevant. what matters is that i want to.

so. grab a notebook. (or sticky pad) or don't.
i will share my thoughts and experiences regardless.

beautiful people exist.

i was perusing this photography blog, and came across this post. 

and my heart skipped a tiny beat. because really attractive men people evoke this reaction in me. 

source

source

i mean. look at him. what a gorgeous human specimen. and he's real. he's a real, live person who exists on this earth. 

my mind is blown. 

grad school. aah.

help. i'm awaiting either rejection or acceptance from the following grads schools - ranked by most-want-to-go-there to least-want-to-go-there:

american university (dc)
university of north carolina wilmington
north carolina state university (raleigh)
university of massachusetts boston

the wait is excruciating. and i live in constant fear of being stuck in norway for 6 more months (or longer).

it's time, people. time for me to grow up, and continue with my life. it's been a nice (and extremely challenging) little break living here in norway for the past 1.5 year. but it's time.

so one of these places could be my home for the next (at least) two years:

source • source • source • source • source

source • source • source • source

source • source • source • source • source

source • source • source • source

and now that i've found these picture, i want to live in all these places. so i guess i'll be happy wherever i get in.

wish me luck.

repeat.

sometimes i buy songs. and then obsess over them. clocking 100+ listens in 2 days. it's great. these are my latest obsessions. for your listening pleasure.

and this one. which i could not find on grooveshark.

and i just realized they're all by women. rare for me. but seriously so beautiful. right??

dreams 2.0.

i love dreams. night dreams, day dreams, life dreams/future dreams. dreams bring hope, and sometimes that's all you live on - the hope.

i usually (basically every night) have vivid dreams, that are very intricate and elaborate. and non-sensical. and i usually remember them fairly well. this makes sleeping fun. and today i slept in. a lot.

i dreamt that i was on a large group date - it's like it kept growing, from like 6 couples to 30. anywho, my date was this really attractive guy, not unlike this actor from dollhouse, which i've been watching nonstop lately. at first, he didn't seem very interested in me. i had to make all the effort, and go over to him, while he was talking to another couple. but he was nice, and polite - just didn't initiate any conversation. fast forward to the pool-part of the date. idk. all of a sudden there was a huge line outside this pool, and that's where we all were supposed to be for the next little while. i tried to get my date to go with me, but he lingered, talking to someone else. and then, after i had removed my shorts and shirt, and was left standing in my bathing suit - a one-piece, mind you, giving plenty coverage, maroon, in fact - he all of a sudden showed interest. for, in my dream, i had a rockin bod. but he wasn't creepy. just really romantic and sweet. we were just sitting by the pool, real close, talking. and then i started to notice a bunch of paparazzi, equipped with heavy duty cameras etc. they were all over, taking pictures of the myriads of couples in the pool. then i saw the videocameras as well. and as my date and i were talking about kissing, or how we wanted to kiss each other, he kissed me. not a long kiss, but a private one. like a secret kiss. in a good way. he told me that he didn't want to kiss me when the cameras were watching, because he had been a contestant on survivor that summer, and didn't want any more attention from the media. although all signs pointed to us being a part of a weird dating show. so he had snuck a kiss in as they were not looking. and he told me we'd kiss more later, when we were alone. [can you blame me for sleeping in??] well, it never got to that point, because all of a sudden i was in a wheel chair, taking the train back and forth between two places. and when the train one day didn't go further than a certain stop, i had to find a bus to take me all the way, and i had to haul all of my stuff (the reason i had taken the train was because i had so much stuff, and didn't have to carry it myself) on my wheel chair, and try to find a bus stop in the middle of nowhere. and now, that i am typing this, i remember that i was on a large (like huuuuge) cruise ship. but i think that was before the date, and it's where the date took place. and, somehow, all of this was connected. i think i was on my way to the guy when i was on the train. or something. i was definitely thinking about him.

that's it. fun read, right? fun for me anyway.

my point is this: sometimes your dreams are better than your actual life, and all you want to do is sleep, and dream, and pretend that you are living your dreams. right now i'm trying really hard to force myself out of my dreams, into my real life, in order to do something that will actually make my dreams come true. but, boy, all i want to do is sleep in. all the time.

living on the hope of your dreams can be motivating and constructive, but it can also be destructive if taken too far.

i wrote this once: i don't have a present to live in. the times i live in are the past and the future. i swim in glorious memories of times past till my skin is wrinkled, and then i wrap myself in the towel of the future - so warm, cozy; full of love, joy, and life; with promises of dreams and longings fulfilled.

i think it's important to live in the present. not just pretend to live there. and that's what i'm working on.

but sometimes i'm allowed to sleep in so that i can go on a 30-couple group date, right?